The hurting person

To hurt, to feel in anguish, at your end, frustrated with life, with those around you and with everything......it is a dark and lonely place.




As I reflected on how to relate to a hurting person I was also thinking of some of the things I have learned over the years while hurting. A verse that has been a source of strength is;
Philippians 4:8 (http://www.biblegateway.com)

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

In the midst of your mire, when people are not responding to as you thought they should, when the grip of worry is nearing a stranglehold, when life does not seem fair, this is a verse that can lift one out of the mire.


Other learning's;




Be aware; when struggling its common to look and hear through a lens of hurt. The receptors don't always receive the intended message properly, everything heard and seen can be scrutinised and most of it deemed hurtful when some of it really wasn't. Understand your position and how you are receiving things and don't be afraid to lay low or cling to only a few trusted people.
Forgive; There is only one pure and sure source of strength. People will let you down. This is where I have found that love and forgiveness are so intertwined. While we all try to show love and empathy, we are imperfect beings and our best intentions don't always come across as intended, this is where it is important for the hurting person to forgive.


Try not to stay stuck; When in the depths of despair it is easy to stay there, to get stuck as seems to be a tendency of mine. The wheels just keep spinning. Be intentional, be proactive and try to do something, be it exercise, read something encouraging, go with a friend for a coffee, etc. When I sit in the damp puddle of despair, I soon feel it's chilling grip and before I know it I can be stuck in the cold mud. Find a way out quickly.


Positive reminders; its been helpful for me to have encouraging verses sitting in the truck, good books laying around the house and a wife who reads me well.


Cling to those you can trust, to those who have your back and don't be surprised if they are few.


Fight and don't give up; while it can be frustrating to hear others who are on sure footing remind you that God is working through the challenge you are experiencing, it is true. Fight on with a determination as if to win a prize.


Loneliness; it may set in and it can be a very dark place, don't be afraid to feel it. People who you think should be more empathetic but are not, crowds continuing with life while you are struggling can all fuel loneliness.


Anger, depression and anxiety; don't be afraid to feel it and express it. I am a bottler and have had to find outlets. Friends, exercise and your relationship with God can all be great outlets. Don't be afraid to seek professional council either.
Manage your assets and liabilities; I have found that my greatest assets are also my greatest liabilities. For example Satan has been relentless in his efforts to use my sensitivity, great memory and perceptive ways to bring me down. I am someone who reads situations well and can see things quite clearly, but when you have a some what unclear future, this skill has to be managed well.
Freely express; This can be a double edged sword, while it is critically important to express ones feelings, it can also leave one feeling very raw and exposed. Pick your spots. At times I have been too open only to expose myself to more hurt. You may express more to a trusted person than to someone you don't know as well.


Proverbs 3:5-6 (http://www.biblegateway.com)

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

My Heart Will Trust - Hillsong Music Australia

Hillsong United - You Are My Strength - With Subtitles/Lyric

Relating to a hurting person

Relating to a hurting person…….it’s no easy task. Following are some learning’s/observations;
Communicating;
Don’t be silent, especially if you know the person reasonably well or come in contact with them frequently. Saying that you didn’t know what to say, so you said nothing is not being fair to the hurting person.
Be a listener, James 1:19 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak……..”
“KISS”, no I don’t mean kiss them, I am referring to the saying “keep it simple stupid”. We live in an age where information is at our finger tips and we sometimes feel that we have the answers to the universes problems, but we don’t. Many times the most meaningful thing you can say is I am praying for you, I don’t understand all you are going through, but I will pray for you. Many times the most hurtful thing one can do is to go into a long rant about how the hurting person should feel or what they should do. If you are not an expert, than don’t try to come across as one.
Be very gentle with corrective advice. Remember that the hurting person is hearing and seeing thru lens of hurt and what they receive may not be what you intended. This again reinforces the principle of KISS.
Avoid sayings like “you may be paying for the sins of your ancestors” or “I don’t know what God is trying to teach you but you better figure it out or else”. True or not they do not serve an encouraging purpose.


A person’s trial is very real and unique to them, even if it may seem simple to you. Remember they may be on a different part of the journey than you are. Try to avoid filler sayings or sayings that may minimize a person’s situation like “well everyone has their stuff to deal with”. While true, to use biblical examples, not everyone has had the experiences of Job, Ruth, Rahab, David, Jesus ……………. Just like you are uniquely made with your own personality and set of circumstances, so is everyone else. We are complex beings.
While the hurt the person is feeling may seem silly to you, it is very real to them and you don’t know how God is using it to grow them, so walk with them and encourage them.
God wants to work in all things for good and you don’t know how he will use this to further a person’s growth. He is the author and finisher and knows what is required to further ones spiritual growth. He allowed Peter to deny him, only for Peter to become one of the greatest servants of Christ.
We generally understand what we can see, a broken bone for example may be easier for us to see, relate to and understand how it may impact a person, a broken heart and scarred emotions are a whole other realm, one that we need to be very sensitive to and try to empathize with.  Just like a repeatedly sprained ankle can impact a person, a repeatedly wounded heart and emotions can impact a person too.
Carefully consider how you would respond to the hurting person’s situation if you had the experiences God allowed them to have and the personality that God gave them.

Allow a person to mourn. Our North American culture in my opinion is not very good at mourning and we often reduce mourning to the loss of a loved one, but it is not only that. For example the loss of something be it a loved one, job, health, etc, can lead to a whole domino effect of loss. Often time’s loss impacts many or all facets of a person’s life for a period of time.

Follow through, if you say you want to take a person for coffee, etc, then follow through on it.

Be very careful in how you use scripture, while verses are very encouraging, we sometime use them carelessly when it comes to hurting people as if they are instantaneous cure all’s. The bible is full of excellent direction for all aspects of life. It seems though that while we understand we come short in so many ways, when it comes to verses regarding worry or God’s grace is sufficient, we suddenly forget that it is a journey to realize on these things as well. Just like a person continually falls short by not controlling their anger, gossip, etc., we should also remember the same with worry, fear, emotions, etc. We fall short, and should strive for perfection, but is it fair to expect people to fully control their worries and fears and not other aspects of their lives?

Many of us give out of our wealth, but few of us give of ourselves. Are we willing to sacrifice something to be there for someone? Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” New International Version (NIV).

Use technology to drop a note, encourage a person, track important dates, i.e. the anniversary of a loss so that you can follow-up.

Seek the Spirits leading, dealing with hurting people is no easy thing.

What would Jesus do?

Many hurting people can likely relate to the below (paraphrased) from the book “Seeing through the Fog” – Ed Dobson

As I stood there looking out the window, I noticed a bird sitting atop a bush near the house, its head constantly moving. It looked this way and that way. Then after a short period of time, it flew away. As I stood there watching it, I began thinking. I wish I was a bird and not a man. I wish I could fly away like that bird. I would fly away from all my troubles and disease. Then I remembered the words of the Psalmist.

Psalm 55:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

⁴ My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. ⁵ Fear and trembling have beset me;  horror has overwhelmed me. ⁶ I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ⁷ I would flee far away and stay in the desert; ⁸ I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.”

It hasn’t been possible for me to completely stop worrying about tomorrow, but verses such as Hebrews 13:5-6 help me focus, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”⁶ So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Other good books are;

Hitting the Wall by David S Payne
Run The Amazing Race by David S Payne
Mud and the Masterpiece by John Burke
Your Were Made for More by Jim Cymbala
Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley
Finding Peace by Charles Stanley
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
Don’t sing songs to a heavy heart – How to relate to those who are suffering by Kennneth C Haugk, PHD
Inside Out by Larry Crabb
Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey
Soul Detox by Craig Groeschel
The Hockey News if you need something lighter JJ

Scott health update Feb 2014

Hey chemo, ya you ya big putz.
I am not sure how to say good bye to you. Part of me wants to say good riddens, take a hike, never come back, but then I am reminded that God creates all things or at the very least allows all things to be created.

I am grateful that he used you to work in my body, to keep this cancer at bay, but I am not so sure that I will miss our frequent confrontations over the past 2 plus years. While I am grateful for the result I will not miss wrestling with you (the big bear that is chemo). I gratefully say goodbye.

My saviour,
I thank you for your provision; that my kids have not had to see me really physically sick (something we prayed about if it be your will), for the friends and family that you have surrounded me with, for the lessons you have exposed me to during this process, for your encouraging word, your spirit, your love and patience as I have stumbled, sometimes badly....that you indeed are all I need if I would only be more faithful to remember that. Lord, I love you.

My wife and kids,
Thanks so much for your love and patience over the past 2 plus years. You have stood by me as my body and spirit endured the ups and downs of the chemo and cancer process.

My friends and family,
Thanks for your timely words of encouragement and prayers along the way. Thanks too for your love and patience.

Where do we go from here
I will continue to be monitored closely by the Grand River Hospital Cancer Clinic, at first every 3 months as I have been for the past few years and then in longer intervals if all goes well. I would appreciate your prayers for an extended remission if that fits within God's will and purpose to fullfill his goals.

Some favourite songs of mine, click on links;
Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up
Carrie Underwood with Vince Gill How Great thou Art
Kari Jobe - The more I seek you

Some favourite verses of mine;
New International Version (NIV), http://www.biblegateway.com

Philippians 4:8

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

John 14:14
¹⁴ You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Philippians 4:13
¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Hebrews 12:1-2
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God1 Corinthians 9:24

The Need for Self-Discipline

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

 

 

 

 

 

God's auto pilot is safe

I was reading a book lately that made a great point of how we humans tend to grip the steering wheel a little tighter when we are not sure of what lay ahead, when we see an obstacle in the road, a narrowing road or a tight curve.




When we come across challenging circumstances in life, God asks us to take our hands right off the steering wheel and to trust him. Can you imagine doing this while driving? Here is the thing though, the auto pilot we have in God is safe and secure and completely trust worthy. He not only asks us to take our hands off the wheel, he wants us to take our eyes off of the road and to look at him too. Wow, how can this be, its so unnatural, it goes against all of our human tendencies.


When we do this though, we experience the peace that passes all understanding. We experience God in all of his glorious wonder and awesomeness.




When is the last time I took my hands off the wheel, my eyes off the road and depended on him (figuratively speaking).




I have hit a few curves in the road, each time it seems that the same lessons present themselves, which are to trust him more and to grow in my faith. Each time I learn more of his goodness.




Walk With Me (feat. Kim Walker-Smith)


Casting Crowns - I Surrender All (All To Jesus)

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

white as snow (Isaiah 1:18 )

When we think of sin, we think of a something dark, unclean or ugly. Isaiah 1:18 (New International Version (NIV) says;

¹⁸ “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.

White as snow....the beautiful and abundant snow we have had this winter is so clean looking until the debris, salt, etc. gets at it, which in a way is like our hearts. They can be washed as white and clean as snow and then when we let sin come in, it can give that dirty snow look.

Its so important in our earthly relationships to keep short accountants, so it is with our relationship with God.

Who's got your heart (Deuteronomy 17:14-20)

As a parent how often have you given your children instruction and guidance knowing full well the pitfalls that may occur if they don't adhere.


In the following passage God gives more specific direction to the Israelites who are about to enter the promised land. Like a parent he knows his children's tendencies, that they will want a leader, a King like other countries, that women and riches will consume their focus. Like we do as parents he see's the pitfalls and tries to give them specific instruction that if they adhere to, they will prosper.


Deuteronomy 17:14-20

New International Version (NIV)

The King

¹⁴ When you enter the land the Lord your God is giving you and have taken possession of it and settled in it, and you say, “Let us set a king over us like all the nations around us,” ¹⁵ be sure to appoint over you a king the Lord your God chooses. He must be from among your fellow Israelites. Do not place a foreigner over you, one who is not an Israelite. ¹⁶ The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the Lord has told you, “You are not to go back that way again.” ¹⁷ He must not take many wives, or his heart will be led astray. He must not accumulate large amounts of silver and gold.
¹⁸ When he takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law, taken from that of the Levitical priests. ¹⁹ It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees ²⁰ and not consider himself better than his fellow Israelites and turn from the law to the right or to the left. Then he and his descendants will reign a long time over his kingdom in Israel.


Later books will reveal that Kings such as King Solomon did not head this warning. He had many, many wives and a huge amount of wealth and they took over his heart.


What am I allowing to take my focus away from God, from what is right?

as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you (Deuteronomy 8)

There is so much that can be taken out of the following chapter.


Don't forget the one who delivered you, don't forget his provision, don't forget the lessons learnt during his disciplining, contrary to many beliefs God does discipline us and don't forget to honour him by your practises. What applied during the days of this story and the Israelites is very applicable today.


Its so easy when the going gets good to forget our deliverer and his provision. We can learn much from this story. Its a good reminder.


The Israelites were given many warnings and yet in the end they failed to head them. We not only have there example but may others and we are not fairing so well in being obedient either. Good thing we have a patient forgiving God.


Deuteronomy 8 (http://www.biblegateway.com)

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Forget the Lord

8 Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors. ² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

⁶ Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. ⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
¹⁰ When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. ¹¹ Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. ¹² Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, ¹⁴ then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” ¹⁸ But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.
¹⁹ If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. ²⁰ Like the nations the Lord destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the Lord your God.