what is my heart expressing

Is my inward expression the same as my outward expression? Some scripture, Proverbs 4:23   Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Luke 6:45  A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." Sometimes I catch myself saying something in response to a situation or person and I am like where did that come from. I am not impressed with the words that come out of my mouth. There was no love in my words. It's easy for our words to be an expression of what we feed ourselves and of how we handle circumstances in our lives. The devil wants our words to be hostile. God wants our words to be of love in every situation. Focusing on Christ and feeding ourselves well in relationship with him helps our conduct to be pleasing to him, including our speech. Prayer - Lord create in me a clean heart, help me to spend meaningful time with you, so that my outputs will represent you well. Amen

God will allow evil

God will allow evil only to the degree it brings about the very opposite of what it indends writes Timothy Keller. We see so many times in God's word how evil is allowed and God works things for good. The story of Joseph is a fine example where he even tells his brothers that their plan was meant for evil but God intended it for good. Job is another example where Satan was allowed to torment Job and God used it for good. It is basically the standard in the Bible for the handling of suffering. Life as a Christian seems like a series of mini tests and some exams. These are all meant to draw us near and grow our faith. We can choose to turn to drink, sex, drugs Etc or let God refine us. The devil tested our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ too. He was led into the desert to be tempted. He prepared with 40 days of fasting. In the end Jesus rebuked Satan and in the name of Jesus we can too. Prayer - Lord help me to put on the armor of God really prepare for the devil's schemes, to fight the fight for your own Glory. Amen

Treasures in heaven

"Mathew 6:19-21 ¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." As I endure health struggles, being treated for cancer, there are lots of Deep Thoughts that enter my mind. We know that this life is temporary but we get so attached to it. While on one hand I know I will spend eternity with my Savior, I have an Earthly family that is hard to think of separating from. I know well the pain of growing up without a father as I lost mine when I was 21. I look at my kids who are around the same age and know how hard it is to forge through this life without a dad. Yet I have to trust my heavenly father's plan. As he has been with me, I know he would be with them. While their path may not be easy, he always makes a way. There are things in this world beyond family that we come to know as comfortable, our jobs, material possessions and so forth. They can easily become way too much of a priority and distract us from God's goals for our lives. Prayer - Lord thank you for giving me this life and walking with me through it. Thank you for the knowledge that you hold us in the palm of your hands. Help me Lord to be a good Steward of the things that you have given me. Amen

The harsh reality of chemotherapy

I am currently going through a chemotherapy regime for the third time since 2011. By no means do I want to paint a picture that I have had it really bad. I know there are people who have experienced far worse. I simply want to shed a light on chemotherapy. Perhaps this will help assist you in a very small way by encouraging you that you are not alone if you are going through it or perhaps by encouraging a care person. Treatment is intense and can have a dramatic impact physically and mentally. Cancer patients have a horrible disease growing inside of them. This means that likely something horrible is needed or tried to combat it. Nowadays a treatment plan includes a symptom management plan. Certainly this is an improvement over days gone by. One of the treatments I have been receiving has been nicknamed by the medical staff as the Red Devil. It enters your system literally to destroy cancer cells. To help with the multitude of potential symptoms, a person might receive the following for the first 5 days, steroids, medication to line the stomach, one or two different anti nausea meds, acid reflux and heartburn pills, constipation meds and one or two other medications as part of the treatment protocol. This is the cocktail for me this time. The medical team has been great at switching things up as needed and it is very very important for the patient to be forthcoming with their symptoms. For example after my fifth treatment, I vomited 14 times in 11 hours and ended up in the hospital to get fluids and new medication. What works initially might need to be changed. Symptoms during the first five days are typically the worst and that's why they give steroids. There can be a weird energy that comes from the steroids and then after 5 days a bit of a letdown so it is very important not to overdo it in those first 5 days. Symptoms can include the following, nausea, vomiting, heartburn, acid reflux, headaches, numbness in extremities, constipation, chemo brain, memory difficulties, challengrs thinking and recalling things, rashes, hair loss and more. Fun eh! It's during these down times, of basically looking at the ceiling, resting and sleeping where there can be time for deep reflection. It can be a time of deep spiritual searching and renewal and has been for me. It's important to go through this experience and be very open with God, ask the why questions and tell him how you feel. I am so thankful for a support system around me and for a God who deeply cares for me. Faith has been a huge part of managing through these ordeals. So for you caretakers out there, this is a big ordeal for the patient,  one like many experiences in life that cannot really be understood until it's you. Your role is critically important to try and be empathetic and gracious. The disease of cancer and the treatment can take a person to the depths of despair. Typically appetite starts to return around day 6. Day 14 to 20 start trending to normal. These are just my experiences . Hopefully they shed light in an informative way. Prayer - Lord for all those out there that are suffering, for strength, courage, stramina, grace, patience and mercy we pray. We pray for healing in the name of Jesus but according to your will. Amen

My first love

Jesus you are my first love, thanks for being patient with my wondering ways. Lyrics - My first love (by Mandisa)

 How long will You forget me?

How long will You hide Your face?
All the lies my soul has taken
My heart's at war and faith is shaken
But there once was a time when my hope was alive
Felt You near, You and I, couldn't get much closer
You would speak, I'd believe, not a doubt that I had inside

I wanna go back, to where it all began
I wanna go past, the walls that hold me in
To trust what I know, feel You so close
I can hear Your heartbeat
I wanna go back, back to my first love
You are my first love

How long will I forget You?
And how long will I pretend that You're not here?
Bring light to my eyes in my darkest places
Bring hope to my heart that can hardly take it!

I wanna go back, to where it all began
I wanna go past, the walls that hold me in
To trust what I know, feel You so close
I can hear Your heartbeat
I wanna go back, back to my first love...

I need revival
Lord, let Your fire fall
I long to feel again
The touch of Your hand
I wanna breakthrough
Help me to trust You
Jesus, restore my passion
I wanna go back, to where it all began
I wanna go past, the walls that hold me in

I wanna go back, to where it all began
I wanna go past, the walls that hold me in
To trust what I know, feel You so close
I can hear Your heartbeat
I wanna go back, back to my first love
Jesus, You are my first love
Jesus

Ok God get a move on

Okay God get a move on, isn't that how we feel so often. We have our expectations and our desires and we can't understand what the holdup is. We want to know what his plan is for our lives, for our kids lives and so on. We don't want to wait. Our kids are now in their late teens and early twenties. They are navigating the uncertainties of life and the high pressures put on young people today. It seems like people are expected to know what they want to do very early on and get in the proper stream already in high school. Society suggests that they will get the perfect education and job and be equipped for life. Reality is this is a process, how can they know at such a young age what they want to do. And then there is God's goal and mission for their life. Trusting God's Will and purpose is hard. Some verses of encouragement. "Psalm 57:2 I cry out to God Most High,
    to God who fulfills his purpose for me. Jeremiah 29:11a For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. Mathew 6:8-13 for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from the evil one.

Depression and anxiety

Prayer - Lord what do I do with my anxiety and depression. Life is simply just too overwhelming. I want to trust you with trying circumstances, but I simply don't always know how. Please help me, Amen. I find that many of us Christians are guilty of looking at the destination and not the process. We read verses that talk about giving our worries to God and they are so true. We forget though that we live in a fallen world and we are broken people and that there is a process in maturing and growing in all areas of our Christian Life including our emotions. Reading through the books of the Bible such as Jonah, the Psalms and Lamentations, clearly people had anxiety and depression in the Bible times too. Many great hymns were written out of deep despair. We need to be honest in our Humanity and yet determined to allow God to work in all aspects of our life through the refining process that takes time. Lyrics refiners fire - Purify my heart, let me be as gold

And precious silver
Purify my heart, let me be as gold
Pure gold

Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for you Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will

Purify my heart, cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart, cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Ready to worship
Ready to follow
Ready to do Your will

Our lifeguard walks on the water

I came across this phrase recently and how true it rang to me, our lifeguard does walk on the water. Peter walked on water for a bit till fear gripped him. I am so thankful for my perfect saviour who walks above the storm, who has outstretched arm at the ready to help me through any situation. Sometimes it feels like he allows me to sink to the point I can barely breathe. It’s when I have learned what he wants me to learn, it’s when I have given up on my own strength. It’s like he is saying I was always there, but you weren’t ready, here I am grab my hand. Prayer - Lord I love how patient you are with us. I love how you work with us. I love how you give us choices. Thank you Lord for all that you are to me.

the waiting room

All of you have been in a waiting room of sorts. Perhaps physically waiting in one to see a doctor or a specialist, perhaps figuratively speaking, waiting for answers. My wife and I hoped so badly for children, we're told that it would be unlikely and then ended up having two. That wait was about 4 years. We thought we had a given it over to God but it wasn't until we actually did that we had our son. The journey took us through a miscarriage, searching our hearts if we should adopt and so forth. Professionally I have pursued jobs only to wait and wait, usually until God prepared my heart for what he wanted for me. I have waited in waiting rooms anxiously awaiting doctors news many times both for me and for my wife who had flesh eating disease. These waits have never been easy. Hearts race and anxiety is high. Recently I have been reading about how God works in us and how he uses the waiting room to mold and make us. We think we are ready but he wants us to be ready for his purposes. We think he isn"t doing anything but scripture says in John 5:17  In his defense Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too am working.” and in Roman's 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." And in Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

 

The peace of God

Have you ever looked at somebody else is life and thought man they seem so content, I wish I had their contentment . Usually it is misplaced because we don't know their lives as well as we think we do and they struggle more than we think they do. We all have our stuff even though I like to say, but there was only one Job. Quite simply God seems to see fit to give us different burdens for different reasons. So how do we obtain this peace that seems to often to be just outside of our grasp. We know from the Bible that worry is a real thing and we are told what to do with it, to bring our worries To God In Prayer. So is there a way to do that, to be real in our Humanity, but also to have that peace that comes with the confidence that no matter what our God is in control. Lately I have had peace in my heart about certain things in my life even though my mind and body don't always seem at rest. Typically that peece comes from pouring out my heart to God. So I urge you brothers and sisters to pour out your hearts to God amidst whatever your Affliction is. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

How real can we be with God

The answer is very real as per Psalm 142 (Psalm 42 also very good). We get so caught up in thinking we have to put on a performance when praying. May as well be real because he sees it all anyway. My grandfather left a great impression on me of how to pray as he did it so conversationally and authentically.   

A maskil^[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

¹ I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
² I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

³ When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
    people have hidden a snare for me.
⁴ Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
    no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
    no one cares for my life.

⁵ I cry to you, Lord;
    I say, “You are my refuge,
    my portion in the land of the living.”

⁶ Listen to my cry,
    for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
    for they are too strong for me.
⁷ Set me free from my prison,
    that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
    because of your goodness to me.

Let God be God

Many times I wonder what God's plan is with circumstances in my life. I see things only from my own perspective and not from his. I wonder how in the world challenging experiences I come up against can possibly work for good. I see the horrible things in this world and wonder how Injustice can be for good. Yet I look back I can see how very difficult things have changed our perspectives in a good way. Many times we read books of peoples stories that have gone through horrible horrible things and have been a shining testimony. No doubt it is by God's grace and the strength he provides. We are encouraged by what God has done in their lives. Elizabeth Elliott comes to mind as somebody who has had a very difficult life and yet has been a Shining Light to further God's Kingdom. God chose her and gave her that platform for his purposes to work out his good. King David was on the run from Saul, he did nothing to merit the treatment he got and yet he went through that trial with Grace. He could have taken things into his own hands and killed Saul, but he looked at things with God's perspective. What a legacy King David has and how God has used it to further his kingdom. What an example for how we are to treat others. Prayer - Lord I Thank you that you are in control of all things at all times, that you are good and sovereign. Even when I can't see the outcome, you can and are meticulously working it out. Thank you Lord for being so gracious to me and for putting up with all my human tendencies. I look forward to seeing your plan unfold. I love you, amen

Be still and know that I am God

"Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.” It's always interesting when God gives us a devotion that reminds us of a truth we need to hear exactly at the right time. To be still is so countercultural. We are so trained to act on things and yet sometimes God is saying just be still and let me handle it. We want to have our say in whatever the situation is, we think but God this needs my action to be resolved. And he is saying no it needs mine. Be still, let me handle it, I have your best interests at heart and a plan to fulfill my purposes. I am God the Father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit and I have a slew of Angels at my disposal. I created the heavens and the Earth, I control the forecast, I have parted Seas, be still and know that I am God. I am sovereign and in control of every possibility. Prayer - Lord thank you for this reminder today. Help me to hand over the outcomes to you. To let go and let God. Thank you for salvation and that one day we will be with you in a peaceful eternity. Amen

My grace is sufficient for you

2 Cor 12:9

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." Quite the verse to unpack. We live in a world where we have so much at our fingertips and are so self-sufficient. We don't typically boast about our weaknesses. We boast about our accomplishments. We try and try to do things our own way and typically yield to his when the going gets tough. God's word says when we are weak he is strong. This rings very true when we finally come to our end and rely on his strength. God has repeatedly brought this lesson into my life. I am reminded again of late to let go and let God.

seasons of suffering Feb 18/25

Seasons of suffering. They come upon us often abruptly. Many times it seems like one crisis isn't enough and others accumulate to make the journey even harder. I remember well the year my dad was sick and eventually passed from cancer. Wasn't that hard enough? Yet God allowed for other things in our family to happen. In the following months after Dad's passing we had a significant chimney fire at our house, my mom's dad had a stroke and the younger three of our family of six struggled to find effective ways to deal with our grief. The burden on my mom was huge. She spent significant time on her knees crying out to God. Slowly a rebellious child returned. Over the years we can look back and see how that season of grief was used by God to shape us and mold us to be more Christ-like. These seasons of suffering never seem to end in this life and in fact the Bible tells us that we will experience much. As I experience another season of suffering in my life, I find myself asking how much Lord and for what? How will we make it through this? Why do there have to be so many situations that are difficult at the same time? As I read God's word and try to understand how he would have me respond I come up with two main answers. Be real in my suffering as job, David and others were. Don't be afraid to Lament. Secondly try to understand what God wants. I am currently reading a book by Timothy Keller that is entitled Walking with God through pain and suffering. He takes us through the story of Joseph and the suffering he endured for a purpose. What is that purpose in my life, what areas of my heart are areas God needs to sweep out the corners and improve. I realize from experience that I may not know the answer to these questions right away. Lord you have seen fit to allow situations into my life. Help me through my anguish. Help me to see things from your perspective. Help me to respond the way you want me to. Work in the areas of my heart that are cluttered and need refocus. Thanks for your patience, your servant, Scott

Feb 16/25 Scott health

 Been a while since I have blogged. Looks like the last time was after my treatment in 2019 which was my second go-around with Non-Hodgkins B cell follicular lymphoma. Since that time it looked like I was headed for treatment in 2022 and a stem cell transplant due to the early reoccurrence. However after much prayer and church fasting subsequent testing showed that the cancer had shrunk and that they would continue to monitor me versus treat me. In Spring of 2024 I started to show signs again of this ugly disease. I was monitored over the summer and in the fall was told I should get the process started for car t which is a newer type of treatment. That plan was derailed when what was thought to be a reoccurrence of my slow growing cancer had actually changed into a more aggressive type. Treatment was required right away and I began on November 21st. At the time of this writing I have just finished my fifth round of six. This regime has been much tougher with the side effects being more and me fighting this as a 54 year old versus the first time around at 40. Those are the details but I want to focus on God's goodness. We can see that as he orchestrates different things in our lives to make this journey easier. Song throught it all, https://youtu.be/4GthZbt1lPo?si=mF9Ja8gh1EDlRjzK

Scott Health Curve - April 1-22

 Here I (Scott) am only 2 plus years removed from treatment for a non-hodgkin's lymphoma cancer that I was first treated for in 2011. A routine monitoring test has shown that it has come back again and now I face the likely hood of a far more involved treatment like a stem cell transplant.

On the day I was informed over the phone of their medical findings my initial response was a numbness. I was shocked.  I felt healthy after all, or at least like I thought a 51 year old should feel. I had been told prior and since that I look healthy. We had thought and hoped we were on the road to a long remission. 

I called my wife and that is when the emotions really set in. They overflowed when I walked in the door that morning. That day I read my devotional after lunch and the key verse was "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?". I felt humbled in my plight. 

Yet still in my conversations with God I prayed; 

Lord why me, why again, do my children deserve this much uncertainty due to 15 plus years of health challenges in Elizabeth and my life. Have we not been faithful Lord God. I am tired, a weary soldier. I don't know what more I have in the tank. It feels Lord like you wanted me to be an elder only months ago. Before that I felt your leading in becoming a business owner. Both were not without much soul searching and prayer. Do I not know your voice? I thought I was being obedient to your callings. So help me understand why me, why now. Lord why do the wicked seem unharmed. Why do they seem to prosper? 

And yet Lord your spirit brings to mind that I have been oh so blessed and leaned so much through hardship. Your word reminds me that I am an underserving sinner saved by Grace. I cry out in my time of need and distress and yet you know so much more pain. You gave your son for sinful mankind like me. He was brutally crucified. You offer the Holy Spirit to do life with me. I am humbled, I know all this but in my distress, my moments of anger and emotional anguish I still cry out. I need you, yet you seem afar. My life seems to be spinning crazily. I just want you to say it will all be ok, that my family will be ok, that I will enjoy health. These are my inward focused cries Lord.

Show me your purpose in this. Speak to me I plead, I want to be used by you. I don't want this to be for nothing. I know trial and I know the emptiness I have felt when looking inward rather than upward during trials. I am week but you are strong. Show your strength and might illustrated in your word. I have seen it too first hand many times. May you somehow use my small story as part of your grand story. Make my paths straight Lord. Please make something of this despite my weak faith. Increase my faith Lord. 

I love you Lord

Amen

I have chosen to blog again for several reasons. I am a quiet muller and blogging is a way for me to express, to get what's inside out. But I don't want to fall into previous traps where I craved so much affirmation in times of difficulty. I want my motives to be pure. I pray that God will keep my thoughts focused as Philippians 4:8 reads, on whatever is true, noble and pure. Satan thrives when he sees a weakness, but I pray he will not have a foot hold in my thoughts. He is a master at being devious and he wants nothing more than to foil what God wants to do in this chapter of my life.

So I pray to God that he will take my story and work into it according to his purpose. I do believe in healing but as John 14:14 encourages "ask any thing in His name (according to his purpose) and He will do it. I want to live, but I am being asked to leave that up to Him, to put Him first. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ and I ask you to pray for my family, that somehow some way He can use us.

I have an appointment on April 7 that will tell me more about next steps. 

God has impressed on me to be thankful, that when I am focusing inward, to look upward instead. I am thankful that if I have to go through this therapy that it is now verses during the limitations of the pandemic. I am grateful that my kids are older. My gratitude is overflowing with the loving support from my extended family and church family

Blessings,