Our journey continued, Sept 25, 2012
I am about to complete my 2nd round of the maintenance program chemotherapy tomorrow. Based on their check today for oversized lymph nodes and their review of my blood work, the doctors say all is good. I am still getting used to sensations I feel that are different, like getting warm sooner, tingling in my hands, more frequent headaches, etc. Just like many others includi
ng my awesome wife, I have an infirmity that reminds me of my need to rely on God daily………there is no one else and nothing else that can meet my daily need. Still though I am human and fall into the trap of self-sufficiency as I have this past year.
My ever supportive and patient wife and I have often wondered, what does God want us to learn? What does he want from us? Where is he taking us? Are we running like Jonah did? No we haven’t been swallowed by a whale, but it feels sometimes like things stink about the same as they would in the belly of a whale. Do we have to be in the desert for 40 years like Moses did before we are led to the Promised Land? Do we need to lose our sight like Paul did before we submit to God? Or perhaps like Job we will never know the purpose of life’s challenges.
Elizabeth and I think we have been willing to go where God wants, but this past year we have learned that God is never done working on us. Satan’s relentless attack on our thoughts has also shown us our many areas of weakness. We are seeing more and more the importance of our whole lives, all of our thoughts being surrendered to God each and every day. We all know that religious speak right, I have been guilty of saying all the right spiritual phrases, but not always being as real as I should. A friend pointed out to me that she knows a young lady who fell into a similar trap, she had lost her mom and to the public was saying all the right things and being a model Christian. Behind the scenes she was slitting her wrists. We are programmed by church and society, to say the right things, but do we always know what we are saying, is it authentic and from the heart or trained speak? If it is authentic it will withstand an attack like the foundation built on solid ground. Mine hasn’t always been authentic. While I have not made attempts on my life, I absolutely have put on a front at times and I have asked God why he doesn’t just take me home. I realized then that I was basically slapping God in the face and questioning his power to carry me.
I love the Lord and even though this past year has really hurt, I am thankful that God continues to work on my faith and that he has revealed areas of my life that require work. Through his leading I am seeing a phyciatrist who is working with me on my sleep issues, bitterness from my past experiences, lack of confidence, my hyper sensitivity and my medication. It’s a painful process and it can be embarrassing to be weak, but it’s real, it’s supported biblically, it’s more peaceful and it wears better than a mask.
“But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”
A work in progress, Scott
