The devil, that ever present, nagging peace disturbing devil. He is always lurking about trying to disturb my relationship with God.
He is that being that one would love to grab by the throat and say listen here dude, leave me alone, and right Now!! Since he isn't physical that isn't an option, although it sounds appealing. Our only options are to cave in or rely on an even higher being. That being too isn't physical. It becomes a battle of the mind then, who will we give control to, who will we put our faith and trust in and how will we know we are putting our faith and trust in the right being. After all, sometimes it can seem like there are multiple and conflicting voices inside your head giving direction, but how do we know which one is right?
Over the years, the devil has gotten a foot hold in my life, sometimes through things that I had pure motives on. As Christians we all know that to have a right relationship with God, that we need to spend time with God in prayer and by reading his word. In my life I have felt guilt by not reading enough or spending enough time with God, by not being the perfect Christian. Satan has gotten a foot hold.
The devil has a tool belt that is larger than the most obese human possible. On that tool belt is a drill gun called guilt, a saw called anger, a telescope called lust, etc. It seems that when he has made his rounds and used his arsenal of tools, that he starts all over again.
God on the other hand has a tool belt as well. Its tools are are not so much of the penetrating, drilling and invasive variety, but rather of the loving and helping kind. On it are faith, love, peace, patience, kindness, forgiveness etc. They sound nice, so why is it so hard to choose them over the other? Why does it seem so hard at times to pursue God?
What do we do when he seems so far away......we keep pursuing. We don't look right or left, we keep pursuing God.
Kari Jobe: You Are For Me
Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You w/lyrics
Holly Starr - Take me as I am and How he loves us.
Monday 25 March 2013
Saturday 23 March 2013
A donkey trail going nowhere fast...OR so it seems
Figuratively speaking, on the other side of the desert, wilderness, valley or mountain, there is a beautiful and peaceful landscape. Sometimes until we get there though, it is hard to understand God's plan and sometimes it is hard to know where he is in it. It feels like a donkey trail going nowhere fast.
It can seem like he is very absent. I have been reading a book by Phillip Yancy called Disappointment with God and he makes some good points about the wilderness part of our journeys, the time period when it seems like God is absent.
Bible time people like; Abraham when he waited years for his promised son, David when he was ordained as King but fleeing from Saul for his life, Job when God allowed Satan to try him, Joseph when he was in prison for doing no wrong, all must have felt the wilderness feeling. Where is God? They all doggedly pursued God and like many other bible people who pursued God, they were blessed for it, with spiritual blessings and sometimes with more material type blessings too.
Did Joseph have choice in how he taunted his brothers with his dreams. I am sure he did. Did those days perhaps prepare him for days when he could convey his dreams in a more appropriate manner? Probably they did. Joseph went through the wilderness, he was cast aside by his brothers, thrown into a pit and left for dead. Joseph wasn't perfect but he pursued God and God brought him out of the pit and through the wilderness and gave him a prominent position. Would that have been possible without the pit experience, without the strengthening of his faith?
Feeling alone while crossing ones wilderness, mountain or valley can be very lonely and exhausting. One is tempted to look for a way out, a short cut, to do anything but wait on God. During this time, the verse stating that Gods ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30) seems way out there and hard to put faith in. I have tried, sometimes with a great amount of determination to find a way out of my dilemmas, only to make them worse. Sometimes the way out or the shortcut seems so appealing, when you're crossing that wilderness and you see a stream, who doesn't want to stop?
This is where God asks us to trust him with all of our heart and to lean not on our own understanding (proverbs 3:5).
Isaiah 55:8-9 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
As I am in mid life and feeling somewhat broken from life's rides, I am learning that there is a beauty in depending on God to meet my needs. Its a hard lesson to learn and even harder to maintain, but perhaps this is part of my life's lessons, to increase my dependence on God such that it is for all things and in all situations. Its not easy to turn to God first.
I am learning that as God had a plan for Joseph, he does for me too, I need to pursue God through the tough spots if I want to realise on his plan for me.
On any given day, can I say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it? Can I do this, resting in and trusting in the fact that he has a plan and that regardless of my current situation, he is in control? Can I be at peace with that?
Its not easy and some times it does feel like a donkey trail going nowhere fast.
Adie - All I Need Is You
I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts - Lyrics
When peace like a river (it is well with my soul), with lyrics
When peace like a river
This is the Day
It can seem like he is very absent. I have been reading a book by Phillip Yancy called Disappointment with God and he makes some good points about the wilderness part of our journeys, the time period when it seems like God is absent.
Bible time people like; Abraham when he waited years for his promised son, David when he was ordained as King but fleeing from Saul for his life, Job when God allowed Satan to try him, Joseph when he was in prison for doing no wrong, all must have felt the wilderness feeling. Where is God? They all doggedly pursued God and like many other bible people who pursued God, they were blessed for it, with spiritual blessings and sometimes with more material type blessings too.
Did Joseph have choice in how he taunted his brothers with his dreams. I am sure he did. Did those days perhaps prepare him for days when he could convey his dreams in a more appropriate manner? Probably they did. Joseph went through the wilderness, he was cast aside by his brothers, thrown into a pit and left for dead. Joseph wasn't perfect but he pursued God and God brought him out of the pit and through the wilderness and gave him a prominent position. Would that have been possible without the pit experience, without the strengthening of his faith?
Feeling alone while crossing ones wilderness, mountain or valley can be very lonely and exhausting. One is tempted to look for a way out, a short cut, to do anything but wait on God. During this time, the verse stating that Gods ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30) seems way out there and hard to put faith in. I have tried, sometimes with a great amount of determination to find a way out of my dilemmas, only to make them worse. Sometimes the way out or the shortcut seems so appealing, when you're crossing that wilderness and you see a stream, who doesn't want to stop?
This is where God asks us to trust him with all of our heart and to lean not on our own understanding (proverbs 3:5).
Isaiah 55:8-9 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
The other side of the wilderness is beautiful, it is a spiritual kind of resting place, a place where it suddenly dons on you "the beautiful learning you have received and the greater intimacy you have with God". Its not necessarily a resting place of material bounty, but of spiritual bounty and intimacy with God. The learning's may be such as increased faith, patience, love, mercy, etc.
declares the Lord.9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
The other side of the wilderness is beautiful, it is a spiritual kind of resting place, a place where it suddenly dons on you "the beautiful learning you have received and the greater intimacy you have with God". Its not necessarily a resting place of material bounty, but of spiritual bounty and intimacy with God. The learning's may be such as increased faith, patience, love, mercy, etc.
As I am in mid life and feeling somewhat broken from life's rides, I am learning that there is a beauty in depending on God to meet my needs. Its a hard lesson to learn and even harder to maintain, but perhaps this is part of my life's lessons, to increase my dependence on God such that it is for all things and in all situations. Its not easy to turn to God first.
I am learning that as God had a plan for Joseph, he does for me too, I need to pursue God through the tough spots if I want to realise on his plan for me.
On any given day, can I say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it? Can I do this, resting in and trusting in the fact that he has a plan and that regardless of my current situation, he is in control? Can I be at peace with that?
Its not easy and some times it does feel like a donkey trail going nowhere fast.
Adie - All I Need Is You
I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts - Lyrics
When peace like a river (it is well with my soul), with lyrics
When peace like a river
This is the Day
Monday 18 March 2013
I need you Lord
Why are you my last resort Lord, after all I should know by experience that you should be my first resort. Am I really any different than the Israelites who praised your name one minute for your provision and looked elsewhere the next to see their needs met. They went from pleading with God to save them, to cursing God, to pleading with God and the theme repeats itself over and over again.
It seems that in my life I take the same winding path that leads me by different shops that say try this, this will help, hey come over here dude, I can help you, all before I get to the end of the road. At the end of the road my God is waiting like the prodigal son's father, with opens arms, ready and willing to forgive me for my mistrust, lack of faith and ready to help.
When I read the bible I can see that I am not alone. King Saul, King David and many other Kings after him simply had to obey God and all would be well. Instead they tried things there own way and it led to disaster after disaster.
Thanks for showing me yet again that trusting in you is the best way.
Ashes Remain - Without You
" All i need is You " Kim Walker Jesus Culture
It seems that in my life I take the same winding path that leads me by different shops that say try this, this will help, hey come over here dude, I can help you, all before I get to the end of the road. At the end of the road my God is waiting like the prodigal son's father, with opens arms, ready and willing to forgive me for my mistrust, lack of faith and ready to help.
When I read the bible I can see that I am not alone. King Saul, King David and many other Kings after him simply had to obey God and all would be well. Instead they tried things there own way and it led to disaster after disaster.
Thanks for showing me yet again that trusting in you is the best way.
Ashes Remain - Without You
" All i need is You " Kim Walker Jesus Culture
Saturday 16 March 2013
Milestones vs road blocks
Its easy sometimes to look at life's path, both the road travelled and the one ahead, and see a dismal road of pot holes, road blocks and detours.
Those same obstacles though are the beautiful milestones in our lives. Yes they can seem overwhelming at the time and take some time to get through. These are the times though when are hearts cry out, when we are broken and seeking God's mercy and direction. These are the times when God inches us along on the scale of our intimacy with him. Its hard and it is painful, but its God working through our situations and choices.
I am grateful today that I serve a stead fast God, a God who wants to mark my life with turning point milestones, not blind side meltdowns.
His love endues forever
Hillsong - His Love
Psalm 136 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
Those same obstacles though are the beautiful milestones in our lives. Yes they can seem overwhelming at the time and take some time to get through. These are the times though when are hearts cry out, when we are broken and seeking God's mercy and direction. These are the times when God inches us along on the scale of our intimacy with him. Its hard and it is painful, but its God working through our situations and choices.
I am grateful today that I serve a stead fast God, a God who wants to mark my life with turning point milestones, not blind side meltdowns.
His love endues forever
Hillsong - His Love
Psalm 136 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
4 to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
5 who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
7 who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
8 the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
9 the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
5 who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
7 who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
8 the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
9 the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.
10 to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
11 and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
12 with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
11 and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
12 with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.
13 to him who divided the Red Sea[a] asunder
His love endures forever.
14 and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
15 but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
14 and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
15 but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.
16 to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
17 to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
18 and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
21 and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
22 an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
18 and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
21 and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
22 an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
24 and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
24 and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.
His love endures forever.
Friday 15 March 2013
Being thankful, but its so much easier to pout.
This evening I started to think about what I am thankful for and it became glaringly obvious that it is so much easier to pout. Its almost automatic for the fingers to generate a typed ramble about what has gone amiss, but the words come much harder when I try to be thankful.
I am grateful that God granted me life, a life I don't deserve and he then planted me in an awesome family in awesome surroundings. He then offered me salvation, again something I didn't deserve. What did I do to gain any of this? Nothing!!
I had a great child hood and was well provided for. I have many great family memories of time spent on the farm, time spent with family and friends and time spent learning about Jesus. I was given every opportunity to learn in school. My parents provided me with strong values and were an excellent example. My career has given me all kinds of exposure, opportunity and the means to provide for a beautiful wife and 2 awesome kids. We have been able to travel and see Gods beautiful creation. God has surrounded us with good people. While he has allowed challenges in our life, for each challenge he has been there with hand outstretched to help us along. These challenges have provided beautiful learning's and a relationship with God and my family that I otherwise would not have.
I have much to be thankful and the best is yet to come, "Eternity". Satan has worked vigorously to keep me from focusing on God's goodness, but when I stop and think, God's goodness has been in abundance.
Dear God, forgive me for forgetting to be thankful, for losing my focus, for not keeping you and your ideals first in my heart. Thanks for all the things listed above that you have given me, thanks for being my rock, my guide and my help. Please continue your work in me. Amen
I am grateful that God granted me life, a life I don't deserve and he then planted me in an awesome family in awesome surroundings. He then offered me salvation, again something I didn't deserve. What did I do to gain any of this? Nothing!!
I had a great child hood and was well provided for. I have many great family memories of time spent on the farm, time spent with family and friends and time spent learning about Jesus. I was given every opportunity to learn in school. My parents provided me with strong values and were an excellent example. My career has given me all kinds of exposure, opportunity and the means to provide for a beautiful wife and 2 awesome kids. We have been able to travel and see Gods beautiful creation. God has surrounded us with good people. While he has allowed challenges in our life, for each challenge he has been there with hand outstretched to help us along. These challenges have provided beautiful learning's and a relationship with God and my family that I otherwise would not have.
I have much to be thankful and the best is yet to come, "Eternity". Satan has worked vigorously to keep me from focusing on God's goodness, but when I stop and think, God's goodness has been in abundance.
Dear God, forgive me for forgetting to be thankful, for losing my focus, for not keeping you and your ideals first in my heart. Thanks for all the things listed above that you have given me, thanks for being my rock, my guide and my help. Please continue your work in me. Amen
March 15/3-2 days after chemo
First off, thanks for your support and thanks to those who have commented on this blog.
It's 2 days after treatment and the affects of chemo remain such as, a pressure type feeling in my kidney area, low energy, disoriented, difficulty processing, flush feeling and crusty (that's Scott speak for short fused and irritable).
We are playing monopoly and I am having trouble following the game. I take my boy to the movies and it's difficult to navigate the basic decisions, where to go, buying popcorn, etc. I should have known better, but sitting so close to a big screen with so much activity proved too overwhelming and I had to step out. My wife was not impressed when I told her I tried to correct my wooziness by eating 2 Kitkats......but they were good:):). My mature son was very good about it all.....he makes me so proud.
This is how it's been with chemo in my veins. It will be this way for likely a few weeks. It's quite humbling to feel like you just can't think, it's like thinking through a fog. It comes and goes some, but when your used to being brilliant it's hard....that's a joke:):). My work around.....at work I will review things meticulously to try and cover up for this shortcoming. I used to be a no breaks and short lunches kinda guy, but now I take them. When I can't follow something I will cover it up with humour. This is how I cope. It takes time to come to terms with ones limitations, to accept things for what they are and to trust in a God that I believe cares about every detail of my life. This I believe is this trials lesson for me, to Let go and Let God, not in just the big things but in all things, to allow him to be part of all the details of my life. It's been a 2 steps forward, one back, some times 1 forward, 3 back kinda lesson, but I am slowly getting it......that he wants to be front and centre in all that I do. I can't seem to function otherwise.
Last night we watched the movie courageous and I am challenged with being a better dad. Do I feel like taking my son to the movies, NO (Eliz and Kam are busy), but I do because I know that I need to try and be the best that I can be for my kids, I need to invest in them. In my mind I have a bucket list of things I need to do in what ever time I have left. It includes such things as walking my little and most precious daughter down the aisle, whether or not its on her actual wedding day. I will do it. The following is a clip from the movie "courageous" it's a resolution, a father's commitment. Perhaps it will speak to you as it did to me.
Courageous - The Father's Resolution (Scene)
My prayer today.......Lord God, thanks for working in me despite my many shortcomings, thanks for your patience and grace. Please help me to be real, to be authentic and to be less of me and more of you. I love you, amen.
Phil Collins - True Colors
ALL I NEED IS YOU
The day after chemo March 14/13 (Scott)
When I started chemo in 2011, I was determined to do my best to continue as normal.
I went to the church skate a day after chemo in 2011, I played road hockey with family 2 days after and so on.................I am a perfectionist that expects a lot from myself, maybe too much, I was determined to do my best to continue life as normal.
Over time I have realized that chemo by itself has many affects, there are those we commonly think of such as vomiting and hair loss, which I haven't had, but there are also many emotional impacts that impact All facets of life.
When you have a lot going on it can be hard to know what emotions are a result of what. Have I felt the way I have because of past experiences, chemo or an anti depressant that didn't seem to be working? Why have I felt so lost, frustrated and angry at times. Since I am off anti depressants, their many side affects can be ruled out for the most part (they do say it takes 6 months and its been 3). My life has also been simplified down to the basics of family and work. I am not involved in stresses like church or work leadership as I was up until 2010/11.
So how I feel now is easier to relate to certain things/challenges. A day after chemo, I am easily agitated and its easy to self pity. A doctor recently said to me that chemo is a poison that not only can kill off cancer, but it absolutely will impact one's emotions, in his words, "it's a poison, how could it not".
Rather than look at feelings like anger or frustration as me being weak or a failure and letting Satan take a foothold, I have had to accept that it's OK to feel these things, but then take the steps to deal with them (not hide them), which may simply mean having some alone time, God time, or leaning on a friend. I have long been someone who coped and stubbornly pushed through things, many times I had to, but sometimes our ways of coping need to be adjusted. God is teaching me that I need to cope by leaning on him and to be real in the process, "I can't be the perfect Christian".
I long to be a person who shows God's love. Perhaps that is the purpose of the trials we face in this lifetime.
2 Corinthians 4:17 (http://www.biblegateway.com/)
Brandon Heath - Your Love
Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes
Newsboys - Something Beautiful
Tricia Brock (Baumhardt) - Broken For Love's Sake
I went to the church skate a day after chemo in 2011, I played road hockey with family 2 days after and so on.................I am a perfectionist that expects a lot from myself, maybe too much, I was determined to do my best to continue life as normal.
Over time I have realized that chemo by itself has many affects, there are those we commonly think of such as vomiting and hair loss, which I haven't had, but there are also many emotional impacts that impact All facets of life.
When you have a lot going on it can be hard to know what emotions are a result of what. Have I felt the way I have because of past experiences, chemo or an anti depressant that didn't seem to be working? Why have I felt so lost, frustrated and angry at times. Since I am off anti depressants, their many side affects can be ruled out for the most part (they do say it takes 6 months and its been 3). My life has also been simplified down to the basics of family and work. I am not involved in stresses like church or work leadership as I was up until 2010/11.
So how I feel now is easier to relate to certain things/challenges. A day after chemo, I am easily agitated and its easy to self pity. A doctor recently said to me that chemo is a poison that not only can kill off cancer, but it absolutely will impact one's emotions, in his words, "it's a poison, how could it not".
Rather than look at feelings like anger or frustration as me being weak or a failure and letting Satan take a foothold, I have had to accept that it's OK to feel these things, but then take the steps to deal with them (not hide them), which may simply mean having some alone time, God time, or leaning on a friend. I have long been someone who coped and stubbornly pushed through things, many times I had to, but sometimes our ways of coping need to be adjusted. God is teaching me that I need to cope by leaning on him and to be real in the process, "I can't be the perfect Christian".
I long to be a person who shows God's love. Perhaps that is the purpose of the trials we face in this lifetime.
2 Corinthians 4:17 (http://www.biblegateway.com/)
New International Version (NIV)
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
Brandon Heath - It Is Well (Oh My Soul) Brandon Heath - Your Love
Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes
Newsboys - Something Beautiful
Tricia Brock (Baumhardt) - Broken For Love's Sake
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Chemo day - March 13/13 (Scott)
Its chemo day.....
As per usual I wake up to hugs from my caring kids. They love me and its easy for me to see. They are both very expressive with their feelings, something I am proud of them for.
As I sit at the computer I am looking out over our yard and into the trees. I see 2 rabbits, perhaps they are a mother and child because one is smaller, they run freely across the snow. They don't seem to have a problem in the world.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking that it would be nice to be a young child, free of so many worries. I know though that in the case of my own, they have been forced to grow up quickly, maybe far too quickly.
I wonder who I will see at chemo today, sometimes I bump into people I know or have seen several times at the clinic. I wonder how I will feel after. The first 2 rounds of this maintenance chemo went very well, but the 3rd was a challenge, mostly I think because I was trying to wean off of anti depressants at the same time. Will I simply feel tired, will the invasive chemicals affect my mood as they sometimes do? Usually after chemo I have a hard time thinking and my memory isn't so swell. Sometimes the latter is handy, cause my wife will ask me to do something and I just say I forgot what you said:):). Sorry babe.
While I am lost in my thoughts, my kids are bantering around in the background. They are supposed to be eating breakfast, but my son is enjoying teasing his sister about an apparent boyfriend. She is feisty and knows how to fight back. I neatly spread the newspaper out and she mischievously messes it all up on me. They will go spend sometime at their friend's houses today and are really looking forward to that.
It's 10:15am and time to go. As is our practise Eliz and I pray on our way to chemo, not because we our holier than thou, but because we need to request God's grace, mercy and strength. Its a wintery day with a gentle snowfall, but the roads are good.
On arrival I do the usual check in, hand the lady my health card and she gives me my chemo and allergy bracelets. Now I am cool, I have bracelets.
Upstairs we go to wait for a nurse to call us into the chemo suit. I don't know why they call it that, but it's nicer than some things they could call it. Today it is busy, there is room for 30 plus and it is full, full of people of all ages, some who look like they are coming from and going to an executive meeting, others in lounge wear like me, some old, some young (20ish) and some very frail. I think when I got cancer I pictured every one looking like my dad did, quite frail at times, but like me, there are many others here that you would never know by there physical appearance that they have cancer. It's simply a dark emotional cloud that they carry with them each day, a cloud that you don't know when it will break open and rain (worsen). Perhaps like me they too experience other emotional and thought challenges that people don't see, like memory loss, anxiety, depression, challenges with decision making and just the sheer uncertainty of it all. Perhaps like me they carried emotional baggage into their cancer experience, making it even harder.
Today I am stuck in the far corner in a bed, I prefer a chair, but today I get a bed. A nice male nurse takes my vitals which are good, and another nice nurse puts the IV in. A band is here today, they are not good at all but good for them to do this. Maybe it's good I am in the back corner. A helper comes by offering drink and I respond with my usual request for a beer or a hard drink. She gets my humour and says they serve those drinks after noon when her shift ends. The poison (chemo) continues to drip in my arm, my beautiful wife is yammering a way, but I am having trouble following her. The pre chemo drugs and chemo make me drowsy.
Its lunch time now in chemoville. Feels like we are having a picnic in a park except that the food spread out on a blanket is the cover of an uncomfortable hospital bed.
Its 12:30 and the joint is still quite full. Some people are reading, others are sleeping and the odd one is madly 2 thumb typing on there phone (me). It's 1:25 now, the chemo drip is done, they have taken my vitals again which are good. It's time to go. I feel a little wobbly on my feet but am ok. Goodbye till June chemo suit.
We stop at Gospel Lighthouse on the way home and umbeknownst to us God has placed friends of ours there to encourage us. His timing is bang on. I can feel that the chemo is taking affect. I feel as though I have to think through a very thick fog. How long will it last, we will see, probably into next wk but that's still far, far better than what it was during the initial chemo last winter.
............As I continue to work on myself, while at times I fought it, I now realize that God is in control and that even when I take steps that are seemingly sideways or backwards, he has my best interests in mind. For example, while my current work does not have me working with people much and seems like a step back, I realize now that with my emotions being raw at times, this is better suited for me now. Emotions are easily hidden, but I am keenly aware when mine are skewed. I just need to respond better to what they are telling me. We go through life but sometimes we don't realize its impact. We cope until we need help. That's me.
As per usual I wake up to hugs from my caring kids. They love me and its easy for me to see. They are both very expressive with their feelings, something I am proud of them for.
As I sit at the computer I am looking out over our yard and into the trees. I see 2 rabbits, perhaps they are a mother and child because one is smaller, they run freely across the snow. They don't seem to have a problem in the world.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking that it would be nice to be a young child, free of so many worries. I know though that in the case of my own, they have been forced to grow up quickly, maybe far too quickly.
I wonder who I will see at chemo today, sometimes I bump into people I know or have seen several times at the clinic. I wonder how I will feel after. The first 2 rounds of this maintenance chemo went very well, but the 3rd was a challenge, mostly I think because I was trying to wean off of anti depressants at the same time. Will I simply feel tired, will the invasive chemicals affect my mood as they sometimes do? Usually after chemo I have a hard time thinking and my memory isn't so swell. Sometimes the latter is handy, cause my wife will ask me to do something and I just say I forgot what you said:):). Sorry babe.
While I am lost in my thoughts, my kids are bantering around in the background. They are supposed to be eating breakfast, but my son is enjoying teasing his sister about an apparent boyfriend. She is feisty and knows how to fight back. I neatly spread the newspaper out and she mischievously messes it all up on me. They will go spend sometime at their friend's houses today and are really looking forward to that.
It's 10:15am and time to go. As is our practise Eliz and I pray on our way to chemo, not because we our holier than thou, but because we need to request God's grace, mercy and strength. Its a wintery day with a gentle snowfall, but the roads are good.
On arrival I do the usual check in, hand the lady my health card and she gives me my chemo and allergy bracelets. Now I am cool, I have bracelets.
Upstairs we go to wait for a nurse to call us into the chemo suit. I don't know why they call it that, but it's nicer than some things they could call it. Today it is busy, there is room for 30 plus and it is full, full of people of all ages, some who look like they are coming from and going to an executive meeting, others in lounge wear like me, some old, some young (20ish) and some very frail. I think when I got cancer I pictured every one looking like my dad did, quite frail at times, but like me, there are many others here that you would never know by there physical appearance that they have cancer. It's simply a dark emotional cloud that they carry with them each day, a cloud that you don't know when it will break open and rain (worsen). Perhaps like me they too experience other emotional and thought challenges that people don't see, like memory loss, anxiety, depression, challenges with decision making and just the sheer uncertainty of it all. Perhaps like me they carried emotional baggage into their cancer experience, making it even harder.
Today I am stuck in the far corner in a bed, I prefer a chair, but today I get a bed. A nice male nurse takes my vitals which are good, and another nice nurse puts the IV in. A band is here today, they are not good at all but good for them to do this. Maybe it's good I am in the back corner. A helper comes by offering drink and I respond with my usual request for a beer or a hard drink. She gets my humour and says they serve those drinks after noon when her shift ends. The poison (chemo) continues to drip in my arm, my beautiful wife is yammering a way, but I am having trouble following her. The pre chemo drugs and chemo make me drowsy.
Its lunch time now in chemoville. Feels like we are having a picnic in a park except that the food spread out on a blanket is the cover of an uncomfortable hospital bed.
Its 12:30 and the joint is still quite full. Some people are reading, others are sleeping and the odd one is madly 2 thumb typing on there phone (me). It's 1:25 now, the chemo drip is done, they have taken my vitals again which are good. It's time to go. I feel a little wobbly on my feet but am ok. Goodbye till June chemo suit.
We stop at Gospel Lighthouse on the way home and umbeknownst to us God has placed friends of ours there to encourage us. His timing is bang on. I can feel that the chemo is taking affect. I feel as though I have to think through a very thick fog. How long will it last, we will see, probably into next wk but that's still far, far better than what it was during the initial chemo last winter.
............As I continue to work on myself, while at times I fought it, I now realize that God is in control and that even when I take steps that are seemingly sideways or backwards, he has my best interests in mind. For example, while my current work does not have me working with people much and seems like a step back, I realize now that with my emotions being raw at times, this is better suited for me now. Emotions are easily hidden, but I am keenly aware when mine are skewed. I just need to respond better to what they are telling me. We go through life but sometimes we don't realize its impact. We cope until we need help. That's me.
Tuesday 12 March 2013
Leading the blind
A few times in my life I have crossed paths with blind people. Most recent was today while waiting for my cancer appointment. An older, I might add, a very independent lady, was there. What set her apart was that she was a team. Her and her dog were there. The dog was a beautiful black lab. This lady was blind and completely reliant on and trusting in this well trained dog. She would say elevator and the dog would lead her there. Amazing!!
Perhaps this hits home because my wife is vision impaired and we know how easily she could have been that lady. It makes us very thankful for what vision she has.
Tonight my wife commented on the trust and faith that this lady had in her dog and how we should have this same trust in our God. We too are walking through life blind in a sense. We don't know what obstacle we will bump into or stumble over and like this lady we need to rely on someone who can see.
God sees all things, he knows the path we should take and he wants to take us by the hand and leads us. Too often I am too stubborn, but like this lady I should trust my guide, I should trust my God.
Psalm 48:14 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
Perhaps this hits home because my wife is vision impaired and we know how easily she could have been that lady. It makes us very thankful for what vision she has.
Tonight my wife commented on the trust and faith that this lady had in her dog and how we should have this same trust in our God. We too are walking through life blind in a sense. We don't know what obstacle we will bump into or stumble over and like this lady we need to rely on someone who can see.
God sees all things, he knows the path we should take and he wants to take us by the hand and leads us. Too often I am too stubborn, but like this lady I should trust my guide, I should trust my God.
Psalm 48:14 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
14 For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
Health update - March 12, 2013 (Scott)
Its chemo time.....I headed to the hospital at 12:15pm today. 1st we go for blood work, the lab is very slow, I
arrived at 12:45 and 1hr later the blood work is complete. I always cringe when
a male nurse is on duty, but other than being slow, this fella does a fine job.
I wait another hour or so till it has been tested and Dr T will see me. My
wife is by my side as she has been all along, a great wife she is.
The clinic is very busy. Most every one here is older than me this time. There are people from all walks of life. A blind lady is guided by her dog as she navigates the clinic, it is simply amazing to watch the 2 of them work together.
Since I too have a cold I likely should be wearing a mask as others are, but I learned from experience that I don't like smelling my own trapped bad breath that much. Its horrid.
My mood is ok as I wait, ya I have the usual anxieties like, have my lymph nodes grown, is that why my right hand falls asleep, etc. It is after all a sign, overgrown nodes reduce circulation, which causes sleeping hands or feet. Perhaps though it is just the chemo. I wonder too when my next CT scan will be or if I even want it. Do I really wanna know whether or not lymph node tumours are regrowing inside me?
Its about 2 and I am still waiting, some dude walks around the corner with flannel pjs and a brown sweater. Perhaps I could help him with some fashion sense while I am here:):). Its 2:15 and I get the call, no I have not been called up by the Pittsburgh Penguins, I am simply being summoned to the next step, another holding cell to wait for Dr T. I do the usual weigh in, youch, 212 pounds. Wowsers!! Hey there goes flannel pants Henry again...he just walked by. I wonder what he weighs. Those pjs must weigh a ton. Hopefully he keeps them on for his weigh in.
Today we wanna ask Dr T if I can proceed with dental work, about my sleeping hand and when my next scan is. I don't really want the scan but would like to know if the nodule on my lung has grown. I like Dr T, she is informative. Its 2:25 and I see her nurse, who is nice and puts my mind at ease. She doesn't notice any enlarged nodes and doesn't feel my sleeping hand is cancer related. My vitals are good, thank you Lord. Yet again the comment is made, "my you have a low heart rate, are you athletic" to which I answer, ah nope in my best shtanky speak. I see Dr T at 3 and she seems very pleased, answers my questions and says they will review my lung in June.
On my way out I see flannel pants Henry yet again. I wonder what his story is, perhaps our paths will cross again. So onward and upward we go, thankful for an ever patient and gracious God.
Thus far 2013 has been a far more pleasant year than 2012. I have traded in anti depressants for working out 3 or 4 times a week (started in November) and seeing a phyciatrist (started in August) ......so far so good, but still a long way to go as I work towards an overall healthier outlook. I am grateful for my supportive family and draw inspiration from my dear wife who has faced so much and others who have faced up to tuff stuff at middle age, R.A. Dickey and Micheal Landsberg come to mind, both have very inspirational stories.
TSN’s Landsberg opens up about depression
R.A.Dickey
Stéphane Richer, Darryl Strawberry, Clara Hughes tell Michael Landsberg of depression struggle
The clinic is very busy. Most every one here is older than me this time. There are people from all walks of life. A blind lady is guided by her dog as she navigates the clinic, it is simply amazing to watch the 2 of them work together.
Since I too have a cold I likely should be wearing a mask as others are, but I learned from experience that I don't like smelling my own trapped bad breath that much. Its horrid.
My mood is ok as I wait, ya I have the usual anxieties like, have my lymph nodes grown, is that why my right hand falls asleep, etc. It is after all a sign, overgrown nodes reduce circulation, which causes sleeping hands or feet. Perhaps though it is just the chemo. I wonder too when my next CT scan will be or if I even want it. Do I really wanna know whether or not lymph node tumours are regrowing inside me?
Its about 2 and I am still waiting, some dude walks around the corner with flannel pjs and a brown sweater. Perhaps I could help him with some fashion sense while I am here:):). Its 2:15 and I get the call, no I have not been called up by the Pittsburgh Penguins, I am simply being summoned to the next step, another holding cell to wait for Dr T. I do the usual weigh in, youch, 212 pounds. Wowsers!! Hey there goes flannel pants Henry again...he just walked by. I wonder what he weighs. Those pjs must weigh a ton. Hopefully he keeps them on for his weigh in.
Today we wanna ask Dr T if I can proceed with dental work, about my sleeping hand and when my next scan is. I don't really want the scan but would like to know if the nodule on my lung has grown. I like Dr T, she is informative. Its 2:25 and I see her nurse, who is nice and puts my mind at ease. She doesn't notice any enlarged nodes and doesn't feel my sleeping hand is cancer related. My vitals are good, thank you Lord. Yet again the comment is made, "my you have a low heart rate, are you athletic" to which I answer, ah nope in my best shtanky speak. I see Dr T at 3 and she seems very pleased, answers my questions and says they will review my lung in June.
On my way out I see flannel pants Henry yet again. I wonder what his story is, perhaps our paths will cross again. So onward and upward we go, thankful for an ever patient and gracious God.
Thus far 2013 has been a far more pleasant year than 2012. I have traded in anti depressants for working out 3 or 4 times a week (started in November) and seeing a phyciatrist (started in August) ......so far so good, but still a long way to go as I work towards an overall healthier outlook. I am grateful for my supportive family and draw inspiration from my dear wife who has faced so much and others who have faced up to tuff stuff at middle age, R.A. Dickey and Micheal Landsberg come to mind, both have very inspirational stories.
TSN’s Landsberg opens up about depression
R.A.Dickey
Stéphane Richer, Darryl Strawberry, Clara Hughes tell Michael Landsberg of depression struggle
Thursday 7 March 2013
Being relatable, how does one do it?
Being relateable, how does one do that? How does a person relate there experiences without coming off too much like a know it all or like they have experienced it all?
This is something that has been a real challenge for me, a real struggle at times. How can I properly and sensitively relate to others with my experiences?
My experiences, some of them of the traumatic variety have left me somewhat over sensitive to others plights. If someone is experiencing death or sickness, I have a hyper sensitivity to the situation. Part of it is likely that it brings back a lot of emotions for me.
I remember, about a year after my wife had contracted flesh eating disease, an area women contracted this terrible illness and passed. I could relate to some of what they had experienced. It brought up so many emotions and so it is when people I know deal with tuff stuff. I feel like, while I don't know what they are going through, I can relate to a degree.
Still the question persists, how does one do that properly. No one wants to hear from someone who has been through that, and this and oh ya that too. So while God has allowed me to experience a variety of challenging things, how can I relate to others? How can I be better at empathising, at listening, at not sounding like I think I have all the answers?
Its been hard and is a work in progress. Its not easy to simply show love in a quiet and sensitive way. Its not easy not to play fix it man or women. Its not easy to simply love as Jesus did.
This is something that has been a real challenge for me, a real struggle at times. How can I properly and sensitively relate to others with my experiences?
My experiences, some of them of the traumatic variety have left me somewhat over sensitive to others plights. If someone is experiencing death or sickness, I have a hyper sensitivity to the situation. Part of it is likely that it brings back a lot of emotions for me.
I remember, about a year after my wife had contracted flesh eating disease, an area women contracted this terrible illness and passed. I could relate to some of what they had experienced. It brought up so many emotions and so it is when people I know deal with tuff stuff. I feel like, while I don't know what they are going through, I can relate to a degree.
Still the question persists, how does one do that properly. No one wants to hear from someone who has been through that, and this and oh ya that too. So while God has allowed me to experience a variety of challenging things, how can I relate to others? How can I be better at empathising, at listening, at not sounding like I think I have all the answers?
Its been hard and is a work in progress. Its not easy to simply show love in a quiet and sensitive way. Its not easy not to play fix it man or women. Its not easy to simply love as Jesus did.
Sunday 3 March 2013
Loose these chains
What are chains? Chains I think can come in many forms and bind a person, they limit a person from reaching there potential.
Perhaps they are chains, heavy and very strong chains that a person seemingly cannot break free from. Possibly these chains are from complex recipes including hurt, pain, sickness, death, depression, anxiety, lust,.........all stemming from your life's experiences. Or perhaps these chains are money and earthly possessions.
At first these chains may start out as thin strands of string, but through choices and experiences, they become heavy and binding. Perhaps they start out as something some one said that hurt and grow thicker due to a choice that was not proactive. Perhaps they are heavy from the start, due to illness, death or a relationship gone sour.
Regardless, I believe that God wants to loose these chains, he wants to work in and through our individual experiences, he wants us to excel for his honour and glory.
Many times in my life I have been guilty of not fully giving my experiences over to God, of not fully allowing him to flourish, of choosing to stir about in my own mire instead of saying here Lord, make out of this what you will, I am willing to go where you want me to go and learn what you want me to learn. Sometimes my chains have started with a small strand and grown heavy because of a poor choice, because of not choosing to do as Jesus would. I won't bore you with all my chains, you can read some of them in my story and in that of my wife's (see blog pages).
What are your chains, what is God wanting to teach you in the experiences that you may have allowed to bind you, instead of free you?
It may sound funny, but I actually think that freedom comes from a complete surrender to God, not from "the easy life".
Life is hard and Satan uses our experiences to pound on us with no mercy at all.........what is my response though? Is my first response to request Gods help? Sadly it hasnt been. What is yours?
Isaiah 64:8 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
Perhaps they are chains, heavy and very strong chains that a person seemingly cannot break free from. Possibly these chains are from complex recipes including hurt, pain, sickness, death, depression, anxiety, lust,.........all stemming from your life's experiences. Or perhaps these chains are money and earthly possessions.
At first these chains may start out as thin strands of string, but through choices and experiences, they become heavy and binding. Perhaps they start out as something some one said that hurt and grow thicker due to a choice that was not proactive. Perhaps they are heavy from the start, due to illness, death or a relationship gone sour.
Regardless, I believe that God wants to loose these chains, he wants to work in and through our individual experiences, he wants us to excel for his honour and glory.
Many times in my life I have been guilty of not fully giving my experiences over to God, of not fully allowing him to flourish, of choosing to stir about in my own mire instead of saying here Lord, make out of this what you will, I am willing to go where you want me to go and learn what you want me to learn. Sometimes my chains have started with a small strand and grown heavy because of a poor choice, because of not choosing to do as Jesus would. I won't bore you with all my chains, you can read some of them in my story and in that of my wife's (see blog pages).
What are your chains, what is God wanting to teach you in the experiences that you may have allowed to bind you, instead of free you?
It may sound funny, but I actually think that freedom comes from a complete surrender to God, not from "the easy life".
Life is hard and Satan uses our experiences to pound on us with no mercy at all.........what is my response though? Is my first response to request Gods help? Sadly it hasnt been. What is yours?
Isaiah 64:8 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
8 Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
we are all the work of your hand.
Do I/you know your bible?
Tonight on the history channel, a 10 part series will start detailing bible stories from Genesis to Revelation. Take the time to view this.
Click on below link;
The Bible
Many of us have been exposed to bible teachings since we were young, but how much do we truly understand ourselves, how well do we know the bible ourselves.
Do we simply know what someone elses's interpretation is, or have we taken the time to study it ourselves. Have we taken the time to let God's word speak to us.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
Click on below link;
The Bible
Many of us have been exposed to bible teachings since we were young, but how much do we truly understand ourselves, how well do we know the bible ourselves.
Do we simply know what someone elses's interpretation is, or have we taken the time to study it ourselves. Have we taken the time to let God's word speak to us.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
New International Version (NIV)
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Several years back I made a commitment to read through the bible, to truly get to know it. Many good things in life require discipline and so it is with studying the bible, but I have been truly blessed. While I am no expert on it, reading it through 7 times has truly been a blessing to me and I encourage you to start getting to know your God yourself, by viewing this series and by getting into his word.
You will not regret taking the time to get to know your saviour better. A strong relationship does not just happen without effort!
I want to know You - Jesus Culture (with lyrics) (Worship with tears 16)
Several years back I made a commitment to read through the bible, to truly get to know it. Many good things in life require discipline and so it is with studying the bible, but I have been truly blessed. While I am no expert on it, reading it through 7 times has truly been a blessing to me and I encourage you to start getting to know your God yourself, by viewing this series and by getting into his word.
You will not regret taking the time to get to know your saviour better. A strong relationship does not just happen without effort!
I want to know You - Jesus Culture (with lyrics) (Worship with tears 16)
Saturday 2 March 2013
Demons, are they alive and well today?
Are demons alive and well today or were they just in the bible times, those evil spirits that Jesus drove out of people and into pigs.
Demon definition (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/demon):
a: an evil spirit
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
b: a source or agent of evil, harm, distress, or ruin
It would seem to me that they are more than alive and well today, perhaps we just don't call them demons and perhaps we have even lost sight of what sin is or what demons could be. After all we live in a sin stained world every day, we have become used to it. We have even found some ways around it. Genesis speaks of sin resulting in man having to work hard and women having pains in child birth. We have found ways to lessen pains such as these and things far less painful, but that are still the result of sin entering the world. Is that all wrong, NO, but perhaps it has made sin more bearable, perhaps it has allowed sin to creep up on us without us identifying it as a sin.
Sin or demons also come in enticing packages that scream fun and lure us into them.
Sin or demons also come in enticing packages that scream fun and lure us into them.
Satan, sin, demons are ever present in our world and are vigorously at work in marriage and family. We have become accustomed to relationship failures to the point where young people today are quite acceptant of the fact that their marriage may not work....again we have made sin more bearable by making it easy and acceptable for a person to abandon their relationship and start over. Demons are at work.
Demons are at work in subtle ways, rather than accept what God has given me and be thankful, I/we long for the life that the world portrays, one that includes a trophy wife, riches, happiness etc. We have lost sight of what God wants.
Demons are at work in our language, in our treatment of others, everyone else gossips, so why don't I?
Demons, Satan, sin, they are rendering us as less and our wreaking havoc in Christian circles today. They have caused infighting and confusion, they are alive and well.
Demons are at work, is what we have accepted as normal pleasing to God?
Am I on guard, am I sensitive to the Spirit's prodding, to his alarm bells that say don't go there, don't be involved in that or have I accepted and embraced sin. Are my standards as low as the worlds or are they set and aligned with Gods? What am I doing to nourish my relationship with God so that I remain on guard?
Do I need to go back to point zero, back to my reference point, back to God to ensure that I haven't allowed sin to creep in and become an every day part of my actions?
Do I need a spiritual reminder or cleansing from time to time?
Ephesians 6:10-18 (http://www.biblegateway.com)
New International Version (NIV)
The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
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