The hurting person

To hurt, to feel in anguish, at your end, frustrated with life, with those around you and with everything......it is a dark and lonely place.




As I reflected on how to relate to a hurting person I was also thinking of some of the things I have learned over the years while hurting. A verse that has been a source of strength is;
Philippians 4:8 (http://www.biblegateway.com)

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

In the midst of your mire, when people are not responding to as you thought they should, when the grip of worry is nearing a stranglehold, when life does not seem fair, this is a verse that can lift one out of the mire.


Other learning's;




Be aware; when struggling its common to look and hear through a lens of hurt. The receptors don't always receive the intended message properly, everything heard and seen can be scrutinised and most of it deemed hurtful when some of it really wasn't. Understand your position and how you are receiving things and don't be afraid to lay low or cling to only a few trusted people.
Forgive; There is only one pure and sure source of strength. People will let you down. This is where I have found that love and forgiveness are so intertwined. While we all try to show love and empathy, we are imperfect beings and our best intentions don't always come across as intended, this is where it is important for the hurting person to forgive.


Try not to stay stuck; When in the depths of despair it is easy to stay there, to get stuck as seems to be a tendency of mine. The wheels just keep spinning. Be intentional, be proactive and try to do something, be it exercise, read something encouraging, go with a friend for a coffee, etc. When I sit in the damp puddle of despair, I soon feel it's chilling grip and before I know it I can be stuck in the cold mud. Find a way out quickly.


Positive reminders; its been helpful for me to have encouraging verses sitting in the truck, good books laying around the house and a wife who reads me well.


Cling to those you can trust, to those who have your back and don't be surprised if they are few.


Fight and don't give up; while it can be frustrating to hear others who are on sure footing remind you that God is working through the challenge you are experiencing, it is true. Fight on with a determination as if to win a prize.


Loneliness; it may set in and it can be a very dark place, don't be afraid to feel it. People who you think should be more empathetic but are not, crowds continuing with life while you are struggling can all fuel loneliness.


Anger, depression and anxiety; don't be afraid to feel it and express it. I am a bottler and have had to find outlets. Friends, exercise and your relationship with God can all be great outlets. Don't be afraid to seek professional council either.
Manage your assets and liabilities; I have found that my greatest assets are also my greatest liabilities. For example Satan has been relentless in his efforts to use my sensitivity, great memory and perceptive ways to bring me down. I am someone who reads situations well and can see things quite clearly, but when you have a some what unclear future, this skill has to be managed well.
Freely express; This can be a double edged sword, while it is critically important to express ones feelings, it can also leave one feeling very raw and exposed. Pick your spots. At times I have been too open only to expose myself to more hurt. You may express more to a trusted person than to someone you don't know as well.


Proverbs 3:5-6 (http://www.biblegateway.com)

New International Version (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

My Heart Will Trust - Hillsong Music Australia

Hillsong United - You Are My Strength - With Subtitles/Lyric

Relating to a hurting person

Relating to a hurting person…….it’s no easy task. Following are some learning’s/observations;
Communicating;
Don’t be silent, especially if you know the person reasonably well or come in contact with them frequently. Saying that you didn’t know what to say, so you said nothing is not being fair to the hurting person.
Be a listener, James 1:19 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak……..”
“KISS”, no I don’t mean kiss them, I am referring to the saying “keep it simple stupid”. We live in an age where information is at our finger tips and we sometimes feel that we have the answers to the universes problems, but we don’t. Many times the most meaningful thing you can say is I am praying for you, I don’t understand all you are going through, but I will pray for you. Many times the most hurtful thing one can do is to go into a long rant about how the hurting person should feel or what they should do. If you are not an expert, than don’t try to come across as one.
Be very gentle with corrective advice. Remember that the hurting person is hearing and seeing thru lens of hurt and what they receive may not be what you intended. This again reinforces the principle of KISS.
Avoid sayings like “you may be paying for the sins of your ancestors” or “I don’t know what God is trying to teach you but you better figure it out or else”. True or not they do not serve an encouraging purpose.


A person’s trial is very real and unique to them, even if it may seem simple to you. Remember they may be on a different part of the journey than you are. Try to avoid filler sayings or sayings that may minimize a person’s situation like “well everyone has their stuff to deal with”. While true, to use biblical examples, not everyone has had the experiences of Job, Ruth, Rahab, David, Jesus ……………. Just like you are uniquely made with your own personality and set of circumstances, so is everyone else. We are complex beings.
While the hurt the person is feeling may seem silly to you, it is very real to them and you don’t know how God is using it to grow them, so walk with them and encourage them.
God wants to work in all things for good and you don’t know how he will use this to further a person’s growth. He is the author and finisher and knows what is required to further ones spiritual growth. He allowed Peter to deny him, only for Peter to become one of the greatest servants of Christ.
We generally understand what we can see, a broken bone for example may be easier for us to see, relate to and understand how it may impact a person, a broken heart and scarred emotions are a whole other realm, one that we need to be very sensitive to and try to empathize with.  Just like a repeatedly sprained ankle can impact a person, a repeatedly wounded heart and emotions can impact a person too.
Carefully consider how you would respond to the hurting person’s situation if you had the experiences God allowed them to have and the personality that God gave them.

Allow a person to mourn. Our North American culture in my opinion is not very good at mourning and we often reduce mourning to the loss of a loved one, but it is not only that. For example the loss of something be it a loved one, job, health, etc, can lead to a whole domino effect of loss. Often time’s loss impacts many or all facets of a person’s life for a period of time.

Follow through, if you say you want to take a person for coffee, etc, then follow through on it.

Be very careful in how you use scripture, while verses are very encouraging, we sometime use them carelessly when it comes to hurting people as if they are instantaneous cure all’s. The bible is full of excellent direction for all aspects of life. It seems though that while we understand we come short in so many ways, when it comes to verses regarding worry or God’s grace is sufficient, we suddenly forget that it is a journey to realize on these things as well. Just like a person continually falls short by not controlling their anger, gossip, etc., we should also remember the same with worry, fear, emotions, etc. We fall short, and should strive for perfection, but is it fair to expect people to fully control their worries and fears and not other aspects of their lives?

Many of us give out of our wealth, but few of us give of ourselves. Are we willing to sacrifice something to be there for someone? Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” New International Version (NIV).

Use technology to drop a note, encourage a person, track important dates, i.e. the anniversary of a loss so that you can follow-up.

Seek the Spirits leading, dealing with hurting people is no easy thing.

What would Jesus do?

Many hurting people can likely relate to the below (paraphrased) from the book “Seeing through the Fog” – Ed Dobson

As I stood there looking out the window, I noticed a bird sitting atop a bush near the house, its head constantly moving. It looked this way and that way. Then after a short period of time, it flew away. As I stood there watching it, I began thinking. I wish I was a bird and not a man. I wish I could fly away like that bird. I would fly away from all my troubles and disease. Then I remembered the words of the Psalmist.

Psalm 55:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

⁴ My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. ⁵ Fear and trembling have beset me;  horror has overwhelmed me. ⁶ I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. ⁷ I would flee far away and stay in the desert; ⁸ I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.”

It hasn’t been possible for me to completely stop worrying about tomorrow, but verses such as Hebrews 13:5-6 help me focus, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”⁶ So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Other good books are;

Hitting the Wall by David S Payne
Run The Amazing Race by David S Payne
Mud and the Masterpiece by John Burke
Your Were Made for More by Jim Cymbala
Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley
Finding Peace by Charles Stanley
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
Don’t sing songs to a heavy heart – How to relate to those who are suffering by Kennneth C Haugk, PHD
Inside Out by Larry Crabb
Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey
Soul Detox by Craig Groeschel
The Hockey News if you need something lighter JJ