Communicating;
Don’t be silent, especially if you know the person reasonably well or come in contact with them frequently. Saying that you didn’t know what to say, so you said nothing is not being fair to the hurting person.
Be a listener, James 1:19 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak……..”
“KISS”, no I don’t mean kiss them, I am referring to the saying “keep it simple stupid”. We live in an age where information is at our finger tips and we sometimes feel that we have the answers to the universes problems, but we don’t. Many times the most meaningful thing you can say is I am praying for you, I don’t understand all you are going through, but I will pray for you. Many times the most hurtful thing one can do is to go into a long rant about how the hurting person should feel or what they should do. If you are not an expert, than don’t try to come across as one.
Be very gentle with corrective advice. Remember that the hurting person is hearing and seeing thru lens of hurt and what they receive may not be what you intended. This again reinforces the principle of KISS.
Avoid sayings like “you may be paying for the sins of your ancestors” or “I don’t know what God is trying to teach you but you better figure it out or else”. True or not they do not serve an encouraging purpose.
A person’s trial is very real and unique to them, even if it may seem simple to you. Remember they may be on a different part of the journey than you are. Try to avoid filler sayings or sayings that may minimize a person’s situation like “well everyone has their stuff to deal with”. While true, to use biblical examples, not everyone has had the experiences of Job, Ruth, Rahab, David, Jesus ……………. Just like you are uniquely made with your own personality and set of circumstances, so is everyone else. We are complex beings.
While the hurt the person is feeling may seem silly to you, it is very real to them and you don’t know how God is using it to grow them, so walk with them and encourage them.
God wants to work in all things for good and you don’t know how he will use this to further a person’s growth. He is the author and finisher and knows what is required to further ones spiritual growth. He allowed Peter to deny him, only for Peter to become one of the greatest servants of Christ.
We generally understand what we can see, a broken bone for example may be easier for us to see, relate to and understand how it may impact a person, a broken heart and scarred emotions are a whole other realm, one that we need to be very sensitive to and try to empathize with. Just like a repeatedly sprained ankle can impact a person, a repeatedly wounded heart and emotions can impact a person too.
Carefully consider how you would respond to the hurting person’s situation if you had the experiences God allowed them to have and the personality that God gave them.
Allow a person to
mourn. Our North American culture in my opinion is not very good at
mourning and we often reduce mourning to the loss of a loved one, but it is not
only that. For example the loss of something be it a loved one, job, health,
etc, can lead to a whole domino effect of loss. Often time’s loss impacts many
or all facets of a person’s life for a period of time.
Follow through,
if you say you want to take a person for coffee, etc, then follow through on
it.
Be very careful in
how you use scripture, while verses are very encouraging, we sometime use
them carelessly when it comes to hurting people as if they are instantaneous
cure all’s. The bible is full of excellent direction for all aspects of life.
It seems though that while we understand we come short in so many ways, when it
comes to verses regarding worry or God’s grace is sufficient, we suddenly
forget that it is a journey to realize on these things as well. Just like a
person continually falls short by not controlling their anger, gossip, etc., we
should also remember the same with worry, fear, emotions, etc. We fall short,
and should strive for perfection, but is it fair to expect people to fully control
their worries and fears and not other aspects of their lives?
Many of us give out
of our wealth, but few of us give of ourselves. Are we willing to sacrifice
something to be there for someone? Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s
burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” New International
Version (NIV).
Use technology to
drop a note, encourage a person, track important dates, i.e. the anniversary of
a loss so that you can follow-up.
Seek the Spirits
leading, dealing with hurting people is no easy thing.
What would Jesus
do?
Many hurting people can likely relate to the
below (paraphrased) from the book “Seeing through the Fog” – Ed Dobson
As I stood there looking out the window, I
noticed a bird sitting atop a bush near the house, its head constantly moving.
It looked this way and that way. Then after a short period of time, it flew
away. As I stood there watching it, I began thinking. I wish I was a bird and
not a man. I wish I could fly away like that bird. I would fly away from
all my troubles and disease. Then I remembered the words of the Psalmist.
Psalm 55:4-8 New
International Version (NIV)
4 My heart is in anguish within
me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. 5 Fear and
trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. 6 I
said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. 7 I
would flee far away and stay in the desert; 8 I would hurry to
my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.”
It hasn’t been
possible for me to completely stop worrying about tomorrow, but verses such as Hebrews
13:5-6 help me focus, “Never will I
leave you; never will I forsake you.”6 So
we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will
not be afraid. What
can mere mortals do to me?”
Other good books are;
Hitting the
Wall by David S PayneRun The Amazing Race by David S Payne
Mud and the Masterpiece by John Burke
Your Were Made for More by Jim Cymbala
Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley
Finding Peace by Charles Stanley
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
Don’t sing songs to a heavy heart – How to relate to those who are suffering by Kennneth C Haugk, PHD
Inside Out by Larry Crabb
Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey
Soul Detox by Craig Groeschel
The Hockey News if you need something lighter JJ
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