It's been 4 years since I was diagnosed with non Hodgkin's lymphoma. It has been a journey of ups and downs. I learned that God is ever faithful, that Chemo is nasty, that friendships change, that its ok to speak openly to God about my anxiety's, that I am more prone to be anxious about what's next than to live in the moment and revel in the good things such as my remission and my wife's recent good health. The latter has been more of a struggle for me of late, with me being a person who is more apt to see the glass 1/2 empty than 1/2 full, more apt to worry than enjoy. At times this has robbed me of joy and in some sense, I think has displayed a rude attitude towards God's goodness to me.
Recently I heard of someone who passed away, he had entered treatment at the same time as me for the exact same cancer. I have heard of others who have also been less fortunate. This is something I experienced when my wife was ill as well and watched many carried out on the dreaded red gurney, while she was spared. Perhaps this has left me with some sort of guilt feeling, why has God spared us. What is his plan for us as he continues to give us the tools to persevere.
Resting in the palm of his hand is not easy for a control freak with anxiety tendencies, but I know that's what he wants. I know he want me to place the future in his capable hands. Some verses precious to me are;
Matthew 6:25-34New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
You raise me up - young Chinese boy and girl
Westlife - You Raise Me Up
Saturday 31 October 2015
Saturday 10 October 2015
Satan in your ear
Satan in your ear.....many of us experience this on a daily basis, his constant attack. It may come in the form of him whispering, that it's ok to think that negative, lustful, jealous, etc. thought. Or perhaps it's gone beyond a whisper in our ear and he has gotten through enough that we are actually listening to him.
Satan works hard to attack our thoughts hoping it will lead to actions on our part that are not God honouring. It always starts with a whisper in our ear. In today's world we don't so much identify Satan's attack or even sin for that matter for what they are. More often we look at someone's less than stellar performance as being stupid, and not the same sinful trap anyone of us could fall into. We don't remember that we are all part of a fallen broken world, prone to the same missteps.
As I am prone to do, I struggle with my thoughts. I suspect many of us do. Satan knows full well my experiences and personality and constantly barrages me with worry, fear and anxiety to attack me where there is an opening in my armour. He knows that while I have the gift of being analytical, that he can use that to his advantage to whisper in my ear, to say hey dude, you should worry about this, you should be angry at that situation or that person, you should gossip about them, you can't trust God with that, you need to take control, you need to worry about this......and before I know it I am overthinking something.
It doesn't take long and before I know it I have gone all the way down the slippery slope and am at the bottom and figuratively speaking covering in muck. Looking up I say, God how did I get here. He gently reminds me of my human weakness and is ready to scoop me up and offer me refuge if I will accept it. His word teaches us that he wants us to come to him with all our needs, "to cast all our anxiety on him because he cares for us". I can take comfort in that.
Psalm 46 New International Version (NIV)
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Ephesians 6:11New International Version (NIV)
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
1 Peter 5:7New International Version (NIV)
Satan works hard to attack our thoughts hoping it will lead to actions on our part that are not God honouring. It always starts with a whisper in our ear. In today's world we don't so much identify Satan's attack or even sin for that matter for what they are. More often we look at someone's less than stellar performance as being stupid, and not the same sinful trap anyone of us could fall into. We don't remember that we are all part of a fallen broken world, prone to the same missteps.
As I am prone to do, I struggle with my thoughts. I suspect many of us do. Satan knows full well my experiences and personality and constantly barrages me with worry, fear and anxiety to attack me where there is an opening in my armour. He knows that while I have the gift of being analytical, that he can use that to his advantage to whisper in my ear, to say hey dude, you should worry about this, you should be angry at that situation or that person, you should gossip about them, you can't trust God with that, you need to take control, you need to worry about this......and before I know it I am overthinking something.
It doesn't take long and before I know it I have gone all the way down the slippery slope and am at the bottom and figuratively speaking covering in muck. Looking up I say, God how did I get here. He gently reminds me of my human weakness and is ready to scoop me up and offer me refuge if I will accept it. His word teaches us that he wants us to come to him with all our needs, "to cast all our anxiety on him because he cares for us". I can take comfort in that.
Psalm 46 New International Version (NIV)
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Ephesians 6:11New International Version (NIV)
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
1 Peter 5:7New International Version (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Thursday 8 October 2015
Anxiety and depression
Anxiety and depression can be like a steep spiraling staircase into a dark place of despair and uncertainty. One can be rumbling down the road of life and all of a sudden be struck by these pesty demons that mess with our thoughts and moods.
What are the trigger points, it could be anything from some thing significant to something less or even something silly.
In my case I have always been a more tightly wound person and have always been more anxious and in need of control. Things like waterskiing where the driver has control did not thrill me, while I enjoyed dirt biking and three wheeling because I was in control.
Anxiety took a sharp turn in my life after my wife was very ill with flesh eating disease and near death. The after math involved a long recovery and many twists and turns. At one point my body screamed at me with the symptom of a skin crawling anxious feeling. Medication dulled the symptom and provided relief for a while but did not provide me with a longer term solution, such as how to deal with my emotions more effectively. Exercise proved to be a great thing to turn to as it provided a release point, however health and back issues have limited this.
Anxiety took another sharp turn in 2011 when I was diagnosed with cancer. The uncertainty took over leaving me raging with anxiety. Again I turned to anxiety medication, but it backfired and left me more anxious. As it turned out that medication has a lifespan and then it begins to work the reverse making one more anxious. Exercise proved challenging with the chemo treatments and |I turned to a physiatrist who in his words "started to peel back the onion and help me feel". Talking things out and blogging proved very helpful along with eventually returning to exercise and weaning from medication.
Here I am now at a crossroads with anxiety yet again. What is the root cause? Certainly past trauma's of continued health challenges in our house are a culprit, but what triggered it. I have ongoing back challenges which are easy to connect with cancer, although the specialist stated that I can be assured that it is not because my last tests (CT scan) were very good. However the ongoing back issues combined with past traumas and work pressures including self imposed targets have allowed anxiety to rear its ugly head again. My analytical mind sometimes gets me in trouble. Anxiety (and depression) can really impact how ones feels physically and can put one in a hamster wheel type spin cycle. I try to fend it off by reading verses, praying, exercising as able, revisiting the physiatrist and going back on meds, but so far the fight is at a deadlock with each of us winning a few rounds and no one the winner. At times I feel like I am fighting a monster with a pebble, but I have to remind myself that God is on my side as he was in the story of David and Goliath.
Does my struggle make me weak, a Christian lacking in faith or does this make me a human who falls short and needs help. As the dark clouds roll in and anxiety and depression rain what seems like hail at times, how can I respond when my thoughts are consumed. I often turn to this verse;
Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
From my experience with anxiety and depression, it is important to keep fighting, to not give in and to keep trying to think pure thoughts, keep things simple, try to stay in the moment, be thankful, talk out emotions, exercise if possible, pray, read the Psalms that are full of emotions and come from writers who appear to have struggled emotionally, let God know my feelings and frustrations and to keep my supporters a small group that I can trust.
Anxiety and depression can be like any other old injury that reoccurs. Just like an ankle once sprained can be easier to reinjure, emotional hurts I find can be similar. A healthy emotional state is hard to maintain in this broken world with so many pressures, but one that I believe God wants for all of us.
Perhaps my story will help someone else with a similar plight.
Let Go and Let God......easy to say, but not always easy to do.
What are the trigger points, it could be anything from some thing significant to something less or even something silly.
In my case I have always been a more tightly wound person and have always been more anxious and in need of control. Things like waterskiing where the driver has control did not thrill me, while I enjoyed dirt biking and three wheeling because I was in control.
Anxiety took a sharp turn in my life after my wife was very ill with flesh eating disease and near death. The after math involved a long recovery and many twists and turns. At one point my body screamed at me with the symptom of a skin crawling anxious feeling. Medication dulled the symptom and provided relief for a while but did not provide me with a longer term solution, such as how to deal with my emotions more effectively. Exercise proved to be a great thing to turn to as it provided a release point, however health and back issues have limited this.
Anxiety took another sharp turn in 2011 when I was diagnosed with cancer. The uncertainty took over leaving me raging with anxiety. Again I turned to anxiety medication, but it backfired and left me more anxious. As it turned out that medication has a lifespan and then it begins to work the reverse making one more anxious. Exercise proved challenging with the chemo treatments and |I turned to a physiatrist who in his words "started to peel back the onion and help me feel". Talking things out and blogging proved very helpful along with eventually returning to exercise and weaning from medication.
Here I am now at a crossroads with anxiety yet again. What is the root cause? Certainly past trauma's of continued health challenges in our house are a culprit, but what triggered it. I have ongoing back challenges which are easy to connect with cancer, although the specialist stated that I can be assured that it is not because my last tests (CT scan) were very good. However the ongoing back issues combined with past traumas and work pressures including self imposed targets have allowed anxiety to rear its ugly head again. My analytical mind sometimes gets me in trouble. Anxiety (and depression) can really impact how ones feels physically and can put one in a hamster wheel type spin cycle. I try to fend it off by reading verses, praying, exercising as able, revisiting the physiatrist and going back on meds, but so far the fight is at a deadlock with each of us winning a few rounds and no one the winner. At times I feel like I am fighting a monster with a pebble, but I have to remind myself that God is on my side as he was in the story of David and Goliath.
Does my struggle make me weak, a Christian lacking in faith or does this make me a human who falls short and needs help. As the dark clouds roll in and anxiety and depression rain what seems like hail at times, how can I respond when my thoughts are consumed. I often turn to this verse;
Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
From my experience with anxiety and depression, it is important to keep fighting, to not give in and to keep trying to think pure thoughts, keep things simple, try to stay in the moment, be thankful, talk out emotions, exercise if possible, pray, read the Psalms that are full of emotions and come from writers who appear to have struggled emotionally, let God know my feelings and frustrations and to keep my supporters a small group that I can trust.
Anxiety and depression can be like any other old injury that reoccurs. Just like an ankle once sprained can be easier to reinjure, emotional hurts I find can be similar. A healthy emotional state is hard to maintain in this broken world with so many pressures, but one that I believe God wants for all of us.
Perhaps my story will help someone else with a similar plight.
Let Go and Let God......easy to say, but not always easy to do.
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