I went to the church skate a day after chemo in 2011, I played road hockey with family 2 days after and so on.................I am a perfectionist that expects a lot from myself, maybe too much, I was determined to do my best to continue life as normal.
Over time I have realized that chemo by itself has many affects, there are those we commonly think of such as vomiting and hair loss, which I haven't had, but there are also many emotional impacts that impact All facets of life.
When you have a lot going on it can be hard to know what emotions are a result of what. Have I felt the way I have because of past experiences, chemo or an anti depressant that didn't seem to be working? Why have I felt so lost, frustrated and angry at times. Since I am off anti depressants, their many side affects can be ruled out for the most part (they do say it takes 6 months and its been 3). My life has also been simplified down to the basics of family and work. I am not involved in stresses like church or work leadership as I was up until 2010/11.
So how I feel now is easier to relate to certain things/challenges. A day after chemo, I am easily agitated and its easy to self pity. A doctor recently said to me that chemo is a poison that not only can kill off cancer, but it absolutely will impact one's emotions, in his words, "it's a poison, how could it not".
Rather than look at feelings like anger or frustration as me being weak or a failure and letting Satan take a foothold, I have had to accept that it's OK to feel these things, but then take the steps to deal with them (not hide them), which may simply mean having some alone time, God time, or leaning on a friend. I have long been someone who coped and stubbornly pushed through things, many times I had to, but sometimes our ways of coping need to be adjusted. God is teaching me that I need to cope by leaning on him and to be real in the process, "I can't be the perfect Christian".
I long to be a person who shows God's love. Perhaps that is the purpose of the trials we face in this lifetime.
2 Corinthians 4:17 (http://www.biblegateway.com/)
New International Version (NIV)
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
Brandon Heath - It Is Well (Oh My Soul) Brandon Heath - Your Love
Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes
Newsboys - Something Beautiful
Tricia Brock (Baumhardt) - Broken For Love's Sake
We often think of you and your family, Scott.I am touched by your courageous spirit, and honesty. Our prayers are with you. Elmeda Weber
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