My Journey as at July 28, 2012 (Scott)

July 28

My Journey continued, at 41 I am coming out of the closet,
This book ``Enemies of the Heart``, has been a great read for me, Andy Stanley does a superb job of reviewing how a person’s heart should be cared for. Personally I have propped myself up emotionally for too long. You can live on adrenalin and Ruppert stubbornness only for so long. Looking back I didn’t
communicate things (my hurts) that I should have to my best friend (my beautiful wife) when her focus was her recovery (2005 to 2008). I didn’t know how to, we had different memories of her illness and I didn’t want to negatively impact her healing process. Then she was sick again (2009). I became a deacon in 2008, a manager at work in 2008 and elder in 2009. The burden inside didn’t lighten with these added responsibilities. Being an elder didn`t help, it can be like having really bad gas, but not being able to fart to get relief, or a never ending game of really bad ping pong. Results don`t come fast, things are debated at length and you are very limited in what impact you can have, or at least I felt that way. Elizabeth was hospitalized 3 more times from late 2010 to early 2011. The unspoken fears for my wife’s health and my family`s future built up inside along with the everyday stuff. By this time I had supressed a lot and then I was told what I had always wanted to hear, well not really, I had made the NHL. Only issue was this was a different kind of NHL (non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma). By now the emotional hurt and exhaustion was a huge snowball of hurt within. Even little things provoked me. As my son says ``it isn’t pretty when you’re mad dad``. You may ask why Scott is sharing this, why am I coming out of the closet now. Well I believe in learning from people’s mistakes and since I consider myself somewhat normal, I suspect others also supress their feelings. It`s pretty normal, especially in the Elmira area. A former pastor who is not from our area once said to me that we Elmira locals sure keep our cards close to our chest.
So as Andy says in his book, how is your heart? Am I, or are you dealing with stuff that needs to be dealt with on an ongoing basis. Like usual I am learning the hard way, but I am learning slowly. It`s great that God is patient. On the emotional mend, and thanks for family and good freinds, Scott.

July 28 FB post (Scott)

Lord God, as a man I long to be understood, I long to be what you want me to be. As I read and study I am understanding more and more that only you can fill that void, only you completely understand me and what you have allowed me to experience and only your grace and mercy is sufficient for me. While you want me to strive to live for you, it needs to be balanced with the fact that I need to be surrendered to your mercy, grace and power working through me rather than churning so hard to receive these gifts. I love you Lord and thank you that you are a forgiving and merciful God.

July 19 FB post (Scott)

thanks for your prayers and support. I returned to work a week ago after 8 weeks off to rejuvenate emotionally and physically. It was a much needed break for us.
The staff have been very supportive, for which we are very grateful. I still find it hard to focus and get frustrated with my memory which used to be great. Otherwise work tasks seem to be coming back to me. We are now going camping for an extra long weekend. Please continue to hold us in your prayers, thanks

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

July 6 FB post (Scott)

Thank you all for your support. My 1st chemo treatment as part of the maintenance program went well. I now only receive one instead of multiple types of chemo so I really don’t feel much of an impact physically. My next treatment is in October. Although it’s not easy to stay positive, I am very thankful for God’s provision. The doc says that the results to date could not be better. No matter what God is good and I love him.

July 3 FB post (Scott)

Am reading a great book by Andy Stanley called Grace, is interesting to me that Jesus the son of God was born from a lineage that included Judas (who lied, treated his daughter in law as a prostitute and plotted against his brother Joseph), Rahab a prostitute, David who had an affair and plotted Uriah’s death and Solomon who worshipped many gods. This book highlights the bibles storylines showing that God showed grace time and time again from Genesis on. Do I/we show the grace our saviour did? Does our modern day Christianity allow us to or are we so caught up in our own rules and mandates and what makes sense to our simple minds? Am I, are we prepared to do what Jesus would?
This really struck me!