My Journey as at July 28, 2012 (Scott)

July 28

My Journey continued, at 41 I am coming out of the closet,
This book ``Enemies of the Heart``, has been a great read for me, Andy Stanley does a superb job of reviewing how a person’s heart should be cared for. Personally I have propped myself up emotionally for too long. You can live on adrenalin and Ruppert stubbornness only for so long. Looking back I didn’t
communicate things (my hurts) that I should have to my best friend (my beautiful wife) when her focus was her recovery (2005 to 2008). I didn’t know how to, we had different memories of her illness and I didn’t want to negatively impact her healing process. Then she was sick again (2009). I became a deacon in 2008, a manager at work in 2008 and elder in 2009. The burden inside didn’t lighten with these added responsibilities. Being an elder didn`t help, it can be like having really bad gas, but not being able to fart to get relief, or a never ending game of really bad ping pong. Results don`t come fast, things are debated at length and you are very limited in what impact you can have, or at least I felt that way. Elizabeth was hospitalized 3 more times from late 2010 to early 2011. The unspoken fears for my wife’s health and my family`s future built up inside along with the everyday stuff. By this time I had supressed a lot and then I was told what I had always wanted to hear, well not really, I had made the NHL. Only issue was this was a different kind of NHL (non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma). By now the emotional hurt and exhaustion was a huge snowball of hurt within. Even little things provoked me. As my son says ``it isn’t pretty when you’re mad dad``. You may ask why Scott is sharing this, why am I coming out of the closet now. Well I believe in learning from people’s mistakes and since I consider myself somewhat normal, I suspect others also supress their feelings. It`s pretty normal, especially in the Elmira area. A former pastor who is not from our area once said to me that we Elmira locals sure keep our cards close to our chest.
So as Andy says in his book, how is your heart? Am I, or are you dealing with stuff that needs to be dealt with on an ongoing basis. Like usual I am learning the hard way, but I am learning slowly. It`s great that God is patient. On the emotional mend, and thanks for family and good freinds, Scott.