While I feel well, its the uncertainty this kind of thing and the health issues we have experienced in our house over the last 8 years that have worn our emotions thin. When I experience back issues like I have this spring, it's easy to connect the dots and think "oh NO" is this the cancer, after all back pain is how they found it in the first place.
Everyones coping mechanisms and ability to handle stress are different. For me I came to a breaking point about a year ago. I simply had come to the end of my rope and what I could cope with. My emotions were raw, my anxiety issues were bad and I was struggling with depression. Poor administration of antidepressants and thinking I could be superman and work through chemo didn't help. I was mentally spent.
Over the last year I have learned and done some important things that are helping me cope better;
- recognising how Satan can twist ones thinking. It's OK for Christians to be real, to hurt and to show it. We don't have to be Macho and always at our Sunday best. We can be real.
- sometimes we have to step back, do less so we can take care of what's most important, "relationships"
- ones journey can be very lonely as mine has been at times. Not everyone is going to be able to love on ya the way you might hope, some will say and do some hurtful things, stick to those who truly love you by their words and actions
- I am a contemplative silent muller, I am learning to better communicate my feelings, especially to my wife
- since both my wife and I have health challenges, we have the stress in our house that these things add, it is important for us to take time away. Maybe it's dinner, a weekend away, etc. Satan would love nothing better than for these stresses to be our ruin.
- the antidepressants I was on were doing more harm than good. I am not against them and have used them successfully in the past. As the doctor said, the one I was on simply was no longer a fit.
- working out has been a good replacement for the antidepressants and my progress has been closely monitored
- seeing a psychiatrist and learning more about myself, who I am, why I do what I do, how life has affected me, and how I can improve my coping mechanisms by disciplining my thought patterns. It's no easy task and there are plenty of things anyone can worry about. Basically I have had to change the way I handle stress, I can't just suck it up anymore. I am learning to recognise better how it affects me and what I need to do to cope. Sometimes it's breathing exercises, sometimes it's working out, sometimes it's talking it out, sometimes it's praying and sometimes it's all of the above.
- learning to deal with the facts. I am naturally a sensitive guy that can easily visualise things and sense how things will unfold. Being in a worn out state, these tendency's sometimes led me down bad paths. I am learning to deal with the facts more. For example, I might foresee my boss having a concern with something I said or did, but rather than dwell on this thinking I have to train my thoughts to think, unless I have been given the facts, I don't worry about it, I try to leave it in Gods capable hands
- it's one thing to say we trust God in all things, it's a whole other thing to regularly do it in faith, to allow him to be part of your every day. When you are at your end as I have been, even the trivial seems overwhelming. The moments and days when I am able to rest in the fact that no matter what happens to my health or my wife's, that God is in control, are pretty good days. When I start operating on my own and letting my mind dwell on misfortune or worry I run into problems. Although my psychiatrist is not a Christian, living in the moment as he says, is quite biblical, but like I said it takes faith to live it out and to truly abide in God so he can abide in me.
An emotional make over in process.....
John 15
New International Version (NIV)
The Vine and the Branches
4Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
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