The "F" word, feel

How do I feel? How do you feel?

Over the past while I have been seeing a Phyciatrist. My visits there have become a very important part of my week.

Recently he said we are going to talk about the ``F`` word. I had no idea what he was about to say and then he asked “How do you feel?”.

We get asked how we are all the time. As mentioned on a previous post, it’s a greeting. Does life as we know it in our culture allow us to feel though? I wonder! Perhaps when you were little and scraped a knee an older sibling would say, hey  tuffen up, no crying, or something like that. I remember when after my dad had just died someone saying that they would be praying that I wouldn`t cry. In our younger years it`s not uncommon to suppress our feelings when amongst our peers at school or church. No one wants to look like the sissy right? So how much do things really change when we get older. If we are to be tough on the playground, is the same not expected in the working world, etc. I think it is. From a young age we are taught to suck it up, toughen up, however you wanna say it. Many of us remember the following phrase being said to us ``sticks and stones will break my bones , but words will never hurt me``. So if one goes through any sort of circumstance they might find challenging, or any other experience that impacts them such as hurtful words, broken promises, sickness, abuse, a relationship breakdown, job loss, etc., how do we deal with it, do we just suck it up or do we deal with most of the hurt and move on. Either way I am finding that hurt can be like a snowball, it starts very small, but increases in size with each hurtful experience, sometimes slowly and other times faster. How do we keep that snowball small or better yet non existent if life for the most part expects us just to go on. Perhaps by keeping short accounts;

Ephesians 4:26&7 NIV

In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Perhaps we seek help from God or others;

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Galatians 6:2a NIV

Carry each other’s burdens

My experiences, good and bad have shaped me and contribute to how I feel, how I express myself. I have been very guilty of not feeling. Even though I am highly sensitive and very emotional for a guy, I haven’t allowed myself to feel, to express myself, partially because society doesn’t always allow a person too. Work tends to put a priority on performance, obviously so since the idea is to make money. Feelings can be cast aside for opportunity and advancement. As my Phyciatrist asked me about situations in my life and how I felt about them, it became obvious that my responses often reflected what I expect the other party wants, not how I feel. In 2005, after my wife experienced a very draining  health crisis and she was released from hospital, I was told I should be back at work. Never mind that I felt completely exhausted and drained, I was expected to perform. Even Church isn`t the warm and open place many of us hope for. So when does a person feel, when does a person like me express my frustrations, feelings of anger, depression, bitterness, all of which come from unknowingly suppressing feelings built up through experiences (the snowball effect)? Its not like life allows you to just take a break from it to deal with your emotions, no we have to deal with stuff on the run. I have had to decide, what`s more important, me, or advancement and life’s things. How many of us are carefully put together on the outside, but on the inside are full of hurt, bitterness etc., that can be like a brewing broth getting ready to boil. How many of us are boiling in private away from the work place and the Sunday morning church service? How many of us say something and then wonder ourselves why it was said while feeling a strong emotion? How many of us are in a poor mood and don`t know why? If I don`t feel, it all stays inside as opposed to a real vessel exuding real feelings and feeling a freedom from pent up feelings. What should be the priority here, a healthy heart and well being or a life stocked with goodies, but with a hurt and depressed heart. God looks at the heart! God wants us to feel!

It`s hard to break the cycle or habit, but by God`s grace I will. He expects us to struggle just as biblical characters did and he wants us to seek him to be victorious, he is the creator of all things including medical interventions.

Perhaps this will help someone else on a similar journey………….