Part 14 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Tuesday June 14, 2005, with help my girl walked from her bed to a chair 3 separate times during the day. At this point I was having trouble with ICU withdrawal; getting use to one on 5 care instead of up to several on one is a huge change. Getting answers was very hard. I missed the ICU staff, many of whom I got to know over a month’s time. I was worried about my girl’s eyes, I was worried if she had brain damage (perhaps explain what this could have looked like). This was a very hard change.
Overall things were improving but there were still health hurdles. Never prayed much about stool before or since but we did pray that my wife’s diarrhea would stop, a week of that is a long time. God saw fit to stop it, PTL.
My girl and I prayed for peace following a nightmare. She got an interrupted 6hr sleep. She had bran for breakfast, soup for lunch, not much for supper and jellow for snack.
On Wednesday June 15 my girl had bran for breakfast, soup for lunch and stew with mash potatoes for supper. She had a busy, busy day, that included physiotherapy, walking to a chair in her room 2 times, she had the Vac dressing changed (surgeon said looks good) and she had the tracheotomy removed. I arranged for my girl to talk to her brother on the phone. I told my lady that a friend had read Max Lucado;s book “In the Eye of the Storm”, in one night during his visit here, she responded with God is working in and using this situation. We both prayed giving thanks for each other.
My girl was starting to give orders, a sign of normalcy, she was aware enough to stress to her mom to ensure our daughter was given Tylenol a 1/2hr before her June 16, 3mth needle appointment. Impressive!
On Thursday June 16, my wife was up several times during the night, she hated her air bed which had been given to her to minimize bed sores. At this point she was still seeing double, was taken off the catheter and with a walker she walked to the washroom and also used it several times during the night. Her walking was better each time. She was gaining some indepandance slowly.
I told her that our neighbour told me to give her a kiss for him but explained that I did not know how he kissed, she offered to show me. That was her humor showing up again!

Up to this point we had trusted God with so many things, her life, her health including the health of her kidneys, heart, brain function, lungs, etc., now that she was getting better it was harder to trust God but God had been so merciful and gracious to us. Why was it so hard? Looking back, the devil was really playing havoc. He knew I was tired and weak minded.

 On Friday June 17 my girl walked to the nurses station (aprox 20 or 30 feet). This had exceeded physiotherapy's goal of making it into hallway by June 17 (my wife was in the hall June 16). The new goal was to do lap by June 20. God knows what we will face in life and gifted my wife and me accordingly. I think we both got 2 cups instead of one of stubbornness and a will to succeed. My wife was certainly showing this trait. I was very proud of her recovery accomplishments.

A social worker was introduced to us, it was a bit of a joke to be hooked up with an older lady, never married and no kids. We stuck it out for a while, but the gap only grew. It was hard for her to identify with where we were at. I encourage counselling, but I really think you have to have some connection with the counsellor.

 On Saturday June 18 my wife was quite nervous but wanted to see our precious daughter. My girl did one lap with a walker, ahead of physio’s goal. Upon the lap completion she said I did it, gave me thumbs up and said I am one tough chick. That she was! She also exclaimed that it is early yet and there is time to do more today. In the afternoon she did a 2nd lap, then visited and held our baby girl. The tracheotomy bandage was removed. At my wife’s request my younger brother and his wife visited briefly. She wanted to know how my sister in law had coped with drugs etc. during her hospital stay. She too had had a tough health journey too.

Psalm 121:2
New International Version (NIV)
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

My Help Comes from the Lord - The Museum

Hillsong - Stronger

What am I prepared to do in return......

Many times I wonder what God's plan is, why has he spared me so many times. Do you ever wonder that? I do especially when I hear of people dying in a way that could have easily happened to me, for example by vehicle accident. I have been in 5, all of them fairly serious.
The first was when I was baby and the vehicle was totalled. Back then the vehicles were like tanks so who knows what would have happened in a vehicle made today. The second was on the highway (401) when bringing my older brother home from camp. Again I was a passenger. The 3rd was in public school when in a bus, it hit ice and rolled into the ditch. My buddy and I ran back to the school fearing it was going to blow only to be called out for leaving the scene. The fourth was a multi vehicle accident on the highway (401), this time I was driving and was T-boned, but not at fault. The vehicle was totalled. The last one was when with my family, our van was smashed into when oncoming traffic failed to stop at the light and a vehicle coming from our left hit them. They collided with us while we were obediently stopped. That was $14k damage to a 2 year old van.
So you could say that God has had plenty of opportunities to take me home and this isn't even letting you in on all the dumb things I did as a teen like driving down train tracks with a car. Ya I know really stupid! 
My wife too has had her fair share of close calls and yet has been spared. So why are we left here? On Sunday, the teacher encouraged us to have a mission, to bring honour to Gods name wherever we are, to be a neighbour where ever we are, to encourage where ever we are, to love in all circumstances and to serve.
It really challenged me. I have known people who have been taken who were quite honestly better people than I am. Gods not finished with me here yet. I know for sure that he is not done working on me, cause I got more warts than a wart hog.

So Since Jesus gave his life for me, what am I prepared to do in return? He gave me free choice and so if I with that free choice accepted his free gift of salvation, I gotta think he is hoping I will at least try to serve him.

John 3:16

New International Version (NIV)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

1 Samuel 12:24

New International Version (NIV)

But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.

Lead Me To The Cross-Hillsong

Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You

He Wants It All ~♥~ Forever Jones

Part 13 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Sunday June 12, my girl was experiencing a lot of challenges inherit with her not having eaten in a month. In order to combat the diarrhea the doctor requested that the feed tube be stopped and my wife be put on normal foods. He suggested a Tm Horton’s muffin but the nurse thought better to take it slow. The male staff were so well, male like, the care came from the nurses and I cringed if we got a male nurse. The doctor also suggested that an ileostomy may be a temporary measure required until her system is functioning but another specialist did not want to do that unless it was absolutely necessary. Phew!

My lady had physiotherapy in the morning and for the 1st time since May 11 sat unsupported with her feet dangling over the beds edge. She was well below her normal slim build weight and very weak. At this point the physiotherapy was being done by the stroke floor physiotherapist since there was some concern that my wife’s right side had stroke like symptoms (from the cardiac arrest).

The specialist did a small vision test with my girl and she followed the pen movement but was seeing double. That’s not abnormal after such an experience as she had endured.

The surgeon reviewed my wife’s leg during a dressing change and was very happy with its appearance. He suggested that a tentative June 14 visit to OR to review and possibly close the upper leg may be postponed till later in week. A skin graft was still a real possibility if the wound did not heal on its own. The surgeon suggested that the staples on the outer leg wound would be ready to remove in the next week. There was also some mention of removing the tracheotomy and moving my wife to floor 6 in the coming week.

We were still unsure what she was all processing in her mind, it could be that she was embarrassed about her appearance, need for medical attention, who knows, but she did request another quiet day with no company but me. I cherished this alone time. I oversaw my wife feed herself Jell-O, her first real food since May 11. She looked so proud! My girl spent 15min outside with me in her stretcher chair. This was a big cumbersome chair. My wife had part of an ice cream bar and pronounced that life could not be better! She also had cranberry juice and milk.

On Monday June 13, 2005 it was desperately hot in the ICU. My girl did not sleep well. She was coming off the drugs and without them it was an awful environment to sleep in. My girl thanked me for my support and we both prayed. While I was at home the Physiotherapist got my wife on her feet for the 1st time. I hated to miss these moments, but regret being a little controlling during that period.

My special girl was moved to the 6th floor (rm 6S10) in the early afternoon. Praise God. It was very hot since the air conditioning was down. I bought my girl a fan. We turned it on without the guard since I had to wait for my father in law to show up with a screw driver. My wife was still having diarrhea but I was warned not to panic since her system was expected to take time to adjust, possibly it could take a week. Since she was in a private room we agreed that I would continue to stay the night. This allowed me to comfort her since she was still coming off the drugs which stopped June 12 (morphine and a drug that was up to 10 times as potent as morphine equivalent). She was still seeing objects flying around and would get quite frightened and without warning.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

New International Version (NIV)
Praise to the God of All Comfort
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
 Kutless - God Of Wonders

God Of Wonders Third Day Worship

Leann Rimes - Amazing Grace

Charlotte Church - The Prayer (with Josh Groban)

Seperate journeys.....

The separate journeys that my wife and I travelled during her illness proved to be a challenge. How could we relate to each other? How could we confide in each other about our hurts? If I confided in someone else was I selling her out?
This is tuff stuff.  To an extent we all walk separate journeys. How do we communicate with our loved ones about the challenges we face, even the everyday ones, how do we show empathy for the daily challenges our loved ones face.

My grand parents were separated from each other for a very long period of time (I believe 2 yrs) during world war 2, not even knowing if each other  was alive. I can only imagine how tough this was. The romance movies would show a happy reunion, but seldom would we show the darker more challenging side. The side of sorting through each parties pain.

Our empathy for each other has been tested over and over again. In today`s world we speak of empathy quite candidly, but do we truly know what it is like to put ourselves in someone elses shoes? Is it possible for me to put myself in my wife's place or her having been in a choma to put herself in mine for that period when I cared for her? I have good vision, can I really understand how it is to be in her shoes with limited vision and face all the daily challenges she faces because of it?

Where there are people there is always hurt. None of us are perfect and highly emotional experiences such as what we experienced bring out peoples best and worst. I am guilty of this. People will try their darnest to say or do something nice only for it all to come out wrong. Many of us quite simply should keep it simple. Also where there are people there are opinions and while we all wanted what was best for my girl when she was sick, we didn`t always agree on the path to get there. Me being a highly convicted, big time sensitive guy only complicated this. Also where there are hurting Christians, you can be sure Satan also is. The spiritual warfare I felt was overwhelming. This has been even more overwhelming during my latest challenge with cancer.

We have learned over time and continue to learn through bumps in the road that communication and empathy are key in maintaining our relationship and supporting each other. They are in any relationship. Even aside from what we have experienced it is important that I show understanding concerning my wife's day and her concerning mine. Its a daily challenge.

So my question is do we communicate with our spouse or are we on separate journeys? Do we show empathy for what they experience in a day or only expect it?

I Surrender - Hillsong Live

Jesus of Nazareth-Our God is an Awesome God

Part 12 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Thursday June 9, 2005 four weeks into my wife's battle and recovery from flesh eating disease my girl was going through extensive therapy. A funny story: the physotherpist working with her apologised for mumbling. She had asked my wife if she wanted a rest and it was understood that she was asking her if she wanted to wrestle. My wife responded by saying don’t worry; I live with one of those, ``a mumbler``.  Her whit at that point was a mixture of her own and the impact of drugs.
In the evening she was very confused, she would see things in the room that were not there such as things flying around or people. I would explain that this was the drugs and try and bring her back to reality. No body was there to coach us caretakers, we just reacted as best as we could to the situation.
She breathed on her own during the day and for the first time at night. This was a huge milestone. Still I was prodding her about seeing the kids. She had now missed a whole month of our daughters 3 month life. I knew that my wife and our son would reconnect, but even that was a big concern. When I asked her about the kids visiting, she said she was thinking about seeing them, but was not ready yet. It was so hard to see her like this, so emotionless.

On Friday June 10 I asked her again about seeing the kids and explained the benefits, bonding, etc, and she finally said she was ready. After much thought and prayer, knowing full well that others were not sure it was a good idea, I brought our son in, believing that God would make it a good visit. Although I seem to have a habit of going against the grain it hurts me deeply when I feel that I am going against someones will. This is me though, a guy who trys to follow his convictions. My wife responded to seeing him with a big smile. She reached out to hold him but he was not ready for that. She thoroughly enjoyed the visit but requested that seeing our daughter be postponed. Her reactions with our son had been very mechanical compared to the relationship I knew they had shared. My son had probably been scared too of this strange environment and this person who only partly resembled his loving mother.
When asked if she wanted to go on a date that night, she said yes but she might sleep. Again still very confused she tried to dip a sponge stick (to moisten her mouth) into my shirt thinking it was water. She was no longer on any off life support. Praise God. She now didn't have any tubes or tracheotomy restricting her communication, The preliminary neurological exam proved OK, but was kind of a joke. My wife greeted momma Ruppert by saying hi momma, her typical greeting to my mom. Momma gave my girl her 1^st sip of water in a month. Still confused, my girl wondered where I would pick her up for our date. She told the Nurse that she had to get changed for the date. Very cute!

On Saturday June 11 my girl was mad at me because I would only give her so much water (was doing as directed by staff June 10). She asked for her dad several times during the day. 
She requested no company after 5pm, she wanted to see her dad and then that’s it. I had no idea what was going through her mind, was she starting to figure things out, was it time to tell her. There were so many things for me to think about. Contrary to what most people think you are mostly left on your own to sort things out. The medics take care of the big physical health items and you are left to fill in all of the gaps and there were a lot. I checked in at 7:45pm and she reiterated her request. I obliged and went to dairy queen with my sister. My outings were rare but needed. The hospital is a depressing place to be for any length of time.
Physiotherapy at that point was happy with my wife's progress, she was rolling on her side with much effort but by herself, a huge accomplishment.

I was still trying to invest as much time as was possible in the lives of my kids and wife. It was unbelievably hard though. Additionally others who cared for us wanted updates and so on. A huge blessing was that God gave me great sleep in the hospital, even on a pathetic chair in a small room. I would set the room up for bed after 9 and in the morning have to return it to order as a visiting room. At that time I was not thinking of my own well being, but this was all taking its emotional toll. There was little normalcy, no purely enjoying my blue eyed son and hazel eyed daughter and what kind of relationship my wife and I could have was in question. What quality of life could she lead, no one knew for sure. The neurological exam had been a joke consisting of answering a few basic questions.

plum in my arms

ALL I NEED IS YOU

I have felt resentment..........

<sub>I have been happy and excited about many things in life, but have also been frustrated at times. Things that have frustrated me are such as, a peer getting promoted ahead of me, being treated unfairly by others, my kids not listening, me not communicating effectively, people misunderstanding me, feeling like I am not being heard, health issues, not getting my way and so on. Many things in life are frustrating.

When you have to get a family to unite and agree on its path it can compound the frustrations and perhaps even lead to resentment.

Resentment definition (www.merriam-webster.com/)
: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury</sub>

_{Examples of RESENTMENT}

_{-She bore bitter feelings of resentment toward her ex-husband.
-He's filled with resentment at his boss.
-He expressed his resentment of the new policies.}

_{I have found resentment to be one of those space crowders in my heart, something that slowly crowds out the good. It could be a small frustration with something someone said, and if not dealt with it balloons into resentment. For me it is hard not to be resentful about the challenges we have faced in our house. It has been hard not to resent the emotional challenges we have faced. It has been hard not to resent some peoples responses to us. Do some people not know how to respond to my/our needs, do they not understand what we are going through? There have been some things that have been downright hard not to resent. I resented a past employer when after an 8mth absence from work to tend to my family after my wife's illness, I was told I would not be the same and my wage was reduced.}

_{Perhaps some of you out there resent your spouse for being overbearing or any number of things, your parents, your upbringing, etc. I am learning that it is important to deal with the frustrations before they take the form of resentment and before resentment turns to bitterness. It sounds easy, but ask yourself if you do, or is there a lingering frustration that could turn into a bitter resentment if not dealt with. Do you share this resentment with others but don't deal with it with the party you should be communicating with. Perhaps like me you have experienced frustrations but don't know how to deal with them, who to talk to or how to approach the person?}

_{On top of normal life stuff like not always agreeing, my wife and I have lived through some traumatic experiences and sometimes those experiences have been very different for us as individuals and then we have had our kids to think about too.}

_{My wife was severely traumatized by her experience in 2005 so much so that it took her 3 years to gain her physical and mental health. During the 1st year of her recovery, she had little emotion and her focus was her recovery. She did have 9 surgeries! When she entered the hospital she had a bond with our 17 mth old son, but our daughter was only 2 months old. Although she loved her dearly you can imagine that given the above explained recovery and challenges, that there could be some getting to know you challenges. It`s always easier to see the challenges from the outside, so as somewhat of a bystander I watched this relationship struggle. It was frustrating and for my wife too. She wanted a great relationship. Not only had their been a long separation at a critical bonding time (the 1st year), my wife and daughter are a lot alike and butt heads. We would talk about the relationship occasionally, but it wasn't until 2011 that after a heart to heart, the relationship really started to take off. I had been frustrated and not knowing how to deal with it had wrongly supressed my feelings and let this drag out and lead to resentment. My wife has worked vigorously at this friendship with our girl. I am very proud of them both.}

_{It`s not simple to face a loved one on touchy issues, especially when you do not see things the same, but perhaps that is why there are so many separations. Rather than face the issue, people choose to submerse themselves in work, etc. It`s a retreat from the challenges and an easy trap to fall into. I have done it.}

_{It`s taken 13 years for my wife and I to develop  our communication to where it is now and trust us it`s still a work in progress. We have had several health and other challenges that have been both an interruption to this development and a blessing. Having God in the middle of it has been the key.}

_{Some bible characters dealt with resentment}

_{Cane with Able in Genesis 4}

<sub>Esau with Jacob
Leah with Rachel
Many with Jesus

Hebrews 12:14-15
New International Version (NIV)
Warning and Encouragement
Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

A few nice songs</sub>

Matthew West - Forgiveness
 
Hillsong - From The Inside Out

Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go
A funny skit concerning a therapists response to someones challenges (nothing to do with above);

Bob Newhart - STOP IT!

Guilt, it is has been my enemy

Guilt, it is one of our enemies and it can be a real thorn. It's that feeling that can reside even after I have apologized and been forgiven, that feeling Satan wants me to have ongoing for being to harsh with a coworker, my children or my spouse. Its that feeling I may have for not spending enough time with God, my wife or our kids. Guilt has combined with insecurity to make me second guess decisions.

Guilt (definition per dictionary.com)

A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offence, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

I have felt this for the above mentioned reasons, but also for other reasons. Over the past many years and through some tough experiences I have often looked for what does God want me to learn. I believe this is appropriate and even a biblically backed thinking, however Satan is right there ready to attack. He wants this desire, this good intention to be one that can never be fulfilled. He wants it to turn into a feeling of guilt. When we are trying to honour God, he wants us to feel guilty for not doing enough, not going to church enough, etc. Before we know it we are chasing our tail. Perhaps if you have had a number of challenging experiences, you can feel Satan guilting you into feeling you deserve them for not being obedient. My wife has felt this way at times, like she has been punished for a sin.

Satan is very cunning and he uses our good intentions and our experiences and very slowly before we know it he has taken that good intention and spun us into confusion. He makes us feel like we are never good enough. Yes we should strive as Paul suggests, but we must be careful not to give Satan a foothold. We should be obedient because we love God. Being obedient out of fear or guilt won`t last. For example if I guilt or fear my child into obeying, how long will it last.

Philippians 3:14

New International Version (NIV)
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 4:26-27

New International Version (NIV)
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

 Enemies of the heart by Andy Stanley is a great read.

Hold Fast - Mercy Me

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

Part 11 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Tuesday June 7,2005 we had another slight scare, my girl had a temperature in the morning but it was gone by noon. When I arrived at noon my girls physiotherapy session was done and the nurses wanted to take her outside. Apparently she indicated earlier in the day that this was one of her wishes. She was taken out in the stretcher chair and enjoyed her brief venture, the first she had been out of the depressing hospital basement. When told she was going in, she said good bye and waved to those who would listen or see. She was still high on the drugs and confused. She was funny though, she motioned that she wanted a big drink and was given an ice chip. They were concerned that she may get water in her lungs if she swallowed wrong. She tried to write but was too weak (on white board I purchased). It was very hot that June and not much different inside.  My lady mouthed that she was frustrated with the tracheotomy and that she could only whisper unless it was capped  To test her memory I asked her how our son says please, she wasn't sure at first and then she did the hand sign that we had taught him. She could be very bright at that point and at other times make no sense at all.

On Wednesday June 8 my lady was off the ventilator from 8am to 10am. Her tracheotomy was capped so she could speak from 12 to 10pm. She was communicating and was now able to talk about the kids (sometimes knowingly and sometimes confused). When I asked about the kids visiting, she said she did not feel she was ready to see them, but I know my girl and knew that this was the confusion talking. It was nice to see her progressing so well, but still hard to see responses like this. The specialist had highly recommended seeing the kids and that it should happen Friday AM. I kept asking her about it periodically. At one point my girl implied to the nurses that I need more to do. Now that sounded almost normal. My mom came in and reviewed the kid’s activities with my wife. She would comment but very matter a factly. There was no emotion, something that would take up to 3 years to regain.

Still I wondered what kind of life I would have with my wife. Was this thinking selfish, shouldn't I just be happy she was alive? I was for sure, but had no idea what new normal my girl would attain. During this time we were still being blessed with a daily provision of meals. Our lawn was being mowed and people would drop by to visit me. It was hard but we restricted visiting to family, perhaps we would do it differently next time, I don't know. I know it was painful to me to know that not every ones needs were being met. I am a people pleaser, but I felt that we needed to do what was better for my girl and she needed rest. I also feared that someone would leak what had happened to her. That needed to come from me at the right time.


God Is Able - Hillsong

I'm Singing- Kari Jobe with lyrics

Fear and anxiety, how they have gripped us

As I look back over our experiences it is not hard to see how Satan has worked his butt off to make sure that anxiety and fear grips us as much as is possible. It has impacted all 4 of us in some way.

My son expresses the need to have his mommy at least until he grows up. He talks about the terrible accident we were in 2 years ago. He writes at school that when he found out that his dad had cancer, he was scared, but had hope. He has incredible fears for his age. My daughter reacts differently, she is also younger. She expresses by wanting affection (a hug). She has some memories of her mother being sick, but they are not as vivid. They both easily remember Christmas 2010 when mommy was in the hospital again.

We have learned to be open with our kids, we don't want them to be surprised. We pray together about our struggles and about their fears. It provides a great sense of peace for them.

My wifes experiences have impacted how she views herself, her self esteem and her confidence. They have also left her vision impaired. I have been impacted as well, with a lack of confidence, a obsessive compulsive nature and a poor self esteem. In the moment we don't realize how life's circumstances impact us. I  have been reading a book about a man who lost his mother when he was 11 (The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith). He had been a confident kid who began to stutter after his mom's passing. God has used him and his weakness in a powerful way. I look back at my youth and my dads passing and can see how anxiety has crept into my life and began to have a firm grip. In my 20's I started to lose my confidence and it showed in sports, mainly golf and baseball. To this day I am gripped with anxiety when I go to throw a ball or hit a golf ball. Experinces such as our health journeys have further eroded my confidence to the extent that I feel like I have a bruised heart, somedays I am depressed, I get anxious over things that I wouldn't have even thought about in the past. I am often concerned about what people think of me or that they are talking about me. I feel like my glass is full and I cannot handle any more. Life has a way of impacting us, but it can be for good. We have to battle on choosing to be victors and to fight for a good purpose.

We have a God who has a strong track record of working through weakness and even through sin. Jesus comes from a lineage that includes a murderer, an unfaithful man (King David), a prostitute (Rahab) and other sorted characters. The Psalms suggest Davids struggles emotionally, Paul struggled with an infirmity and Peter was quite a project.

1 Peter 5:7

New International Version (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

A few great songs...........

Carrie Underwood with Vince Gill How Great thou Art

Carrie Underwood - How Great Thou Art

Our God (Is Greater) Chris Tomlin Passion Band

Carrie Underwood sings "Jesus Take The Wheel" at the Grand Ole Opry

Part 10 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Thursday June 2nd I spent time with the kids in the AM and in the afternoon showed our May 12 to June 1 pictures of the kids to my girl. This was highly encouraged as a means of helping my wife reconnect and give her hope. My sister and husband and my mom had still been at our house and were graciously taking care of the kids, taking video and pictures so that my girl could have some memory of her cherished little ones for that time period. To this day we are a more picture happy family, having seen the benefit of it during that journey.

My lady mouthed the words that she wanted to see her mom, this was a great sign that she was thinking and communicating her wants. We shared kisses that day, something we hadn’t been able to do much of in 3 weeks. The ventilator had been reduced down to 8. The antibiotics had been stopped and the pain meds had been reduced. Stopping the antibiotics was double edged since further antibiotics could leave side affects and stopping them if the infection was still present could be life threatening.

On Friday June 3   The surgeon reviewed the leg and said he may finish up sewing up the opening on June 6. Nurse 1 mentioned that my wife may be off the ventilator over the weekend and moved into a room by herself (within ICU and with a window). We were looking forward to that, the ICU environment was one of constant beeping and noise, even at night. She also mentioned that they may need to put her on antidepressants to assist in the recovery.
I announced that it would be date night. I planned to show my girl the May 12 to June 1, 2005 video footage of our kids. I arranged to have a tv and vcr brought to ICU. My girl and I watched the video; she was alert for approximately 45 minutes. We kissed and enjoyed our alone time (date) in a room full of sleeping patients and medical staff.

On Saturday June 4 my girl had a fever during the day ("alarm bells"), which lessened by evening. Thank you Lord. She sat in a chair for 45 minutes. During this time she had a physiotherapy and breath on her own session. My girls body, fingers, everything were very stiff from being so still for so long. It was important that they get her moving. Her body was also returning to its slim self, the retained fluids from all of the IV were going away. The charge nurse and another nurse cornered me about my staying nights, trying to encourage me to start staying at home. They felt that I should make this change immediately. They could see the toll this was taking on me. I kept staying the night.....it was comforting to my girl. It was reasonably frequent that I would be called on to calm her at night. I could certainly feel that I was stressed out though.

On Sunday June 5 my girl was very kissy with me; she was alert and did very well during her breath on her own session which was one hour in the morning. I said I love you and she responded with same, man that felt good. We say that all the time, but until you miss it, you sure don’t want to take it for granted again. While sitting in the chair and watching the video, with the tracheotomy capped, her voice was audible and she said I love you and that she was glad that we could spend father’s day together (she was confused, father’s day was 2 weeks away). She also mouthed the words, how long have I been here? I told her it is June. She asked where will I go after this. I tried to explain that she may go to a nearby hospital for further therapy. When told of our Friday night date, she mouthed the words that’s sweet, she waved at our daughter on the video and asked where my mom was. She was still very confused, very simple and we were starting to wonder about her vision.

On Monday June 6 during a 1 hour sitting in a stretcher chair and breathing on her own session and while her tracheotomy was capped she said to me “thanks everyone for being here, I feel privileged, I want to fulfil my husband’s dreams". Boy was she ever doped. It was too funny. My girl had surgery that day at 3:30pm. They sewed up across the groin and some inner tissue on the inside of the leg. The surgeon who was happy with my lady's progress had her relocated within ICU to a private room with a window overlooking the psychiatric garden. The room was nice, the view into the ward garden, not so great. It was a bare fenced in area. Shrubs and trees had recently been removed because patients were doing the hooby dooby behind them (sex).

During this time I remember feeling a great peace with my wife’s health and whenever I thought about it I got this picture showing me a very rapid recovery. It was truly a miracle that she was alive, and the rate she was recovering at was unreal. God was involved, no doubt. No question, even in today’s world He performs miracles. I witnessed many during my special girls journey.

Psalm 77:14

New International Version (NIV)
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

Worship Song - "Miracles" by Angela Moss Poole feat Rod Lumpkin II

Freinds showing Empathy vs Sympathy

Empathy definition (dictionary.com)

Understanding what someone else is feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes

Sympathy definition (dictionary.com)

Acknowledging a person's emotional hardships and providing comfort and assurance.

The difference;

Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of other people. It goes beyond sympathy, which is a feeling of care and understanding for the suffering of others. Both words have similar usage but are different in their emotional meaning.

In my own life I have realized that I have been longing for understanding, for empathy from many people. It`s a tall order to expect of others and a rare thing to find. Can someone my age who has not had cancer identify with me? Can someone who has not had flesh eating disease identify with my wife? Can we identify with a widow, the poor, the starving or a drug addict? To find someone who can empathize is to truly find someone who understands and can identify. Likely we all long for this. I have especially this past year, but realize now my unrealistic expectations. I expected this from far too many people. I am fortunate to have some close friends who have really shared my burden.

Jesus had empathy for us. Instead of being sympathetic, watching us struggle and feeling bad for our state, he acted and became one of us. He identified with us.

2 Corinthians 5:21

The Message (MSG)
How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God

John 1:14

The Message (MSG)
The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood. We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son, Generous inside and out, true from start to finish.

I spoke to a friend recently who shared my struggle with finding empathy. I know now that if I expect empathy its important for me to empathize with others regardless of their struggle. Whatever it is that they are struggling with is a big deal to that person and they need someone to journey with them. I need to empathize as Jesus did.

I expect that (future King) David had a friend who could empathize with him in Jonathan (current prince). Although as the current prince, Jonathan should have hated David who was anointed to be future King, he loved him as a brother instead.

1 Samuel 20:17

New International Version (NIV)

And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.

Proverbs 18:24

New International Version (NIV)
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Do I love others as myself? I can only do this with Christ’s love shining through me.

Mark 12:31

New International Version (NIV)
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”
Songs about empathy and true freindship
"I Love You Anyway" Holly Starr

Jesus Messiah - Chris tomlin

Brandon Heath - The Light in Me - Lyrics

Hillsong- Saving Grace.mpg Worship&Praise Songs (Best Friends) Album

Part 9 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Friday May 27 the intensivist now on duty overseeing ICU is an anethesist, yet another way God was working in this and providing the right people at the right time. He administered my wife's first anesthetic and was a pain control expert. Thru prayer, the trial and error of the doctor's the right pain medication mix is found. Steady signs of improvement in my wife's vital signs followed.

On Monday May 30 my special girl was taken into OR to have a tracheotomy, a feeding tube put in thru her belly into her stomach, the outer leg is sown up, the inner leg is tidied up and vac dressing is put on the inner and groin openings. The surgeon was satisfied with findings – no further infection was noticed. You can imagine the anxiety during this whole experience but especially during the many tests and OR visits. Nerves were on edge.....what an exhausting grueling time in our lives.

On Tuesday May 31 my wife looked very peaceful and is communicative by mouthing words (not audible because of breathing tube). It had been allmost 3 weeks without speaking. She looks much better with the tubes out of her mouth and is much more comfortable. She still had very little idea as to what her journey had been, but gave a yes head shake when asked if she knew why she was in the hospital.

On Wednesday June 1 during my early morning visit my little lady gave a vigorous nod no, when asked if she is in pain. I went home to see the kids. The doctors witnessed my wife mouth the words my leg when asked the reason for being at hospital. The surgeon looked at the leg and is satisfied with the appearance of the flesh. My wife with Nurse 1's encouragement is helped into a stretcher chair. She is very emotional during her dad’s visit, mouthing disturbing things, and said to Nurse 1 please kill me. Nurse 1 talks to me about this and my wife's hallucinations and explains that this is normal. There are a few things about being in ICU that are very hard mentally, such as recovering from the heavy, heavy drugs that cause severe and extremly disturbing hallucinations and the fact that there is no night and day. There is no structure. My poor wife remembers some of these horrible hallucinations to this day (more than 7 years later). After much discussion and until further notice it is agreed to keep visiting to  minimum, just me, my mom and my wife's parents. This was very hard on members of the family and understandably so but it was critical that the message to our special lady was consistent and steady in comforting her. Since all but us were working, we were the most available to provide a consistant and constant message. Nurse 1 advised that I bring pictures and video of the kids, kid’s items including toys and freshly worn clothes in order to encourage my girl. She also suggested that we continue to tell her that we love her and that she has much to live for.

Although we had much joy over the miracle God had provided in my wife's health, it was still a very challenging journey with new challenges each day. We still did not know the impact of all of this on my wife and would later find out that there would be some permanant damage. Personally now that my girl was getting better I was also finding it harder to trust God with all things. It had been such a beutiful time of being close to God, a great experince and one that I obviously wish I could have (that closeness) without the horrible health experince.

Philippians 4:19

New International Version (NIV)
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Josh Groban - You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

Bebo Norman - God Of My Everything

Newsboys - More Than Enough(2011)

Hurtful words & actions cut to the core of our being

_{Communication is a fine art that the bible has much to say about. Likely we have all been both on the giving and receiving end of hurtful words and actions. I know I have. Sometimes the most hurtful communication is none or avoidance.}

_{Perhaps we bare guilt for things we have done in our past. Perhaps we feel pain for things done to us. I have found that both can be crippling to the point of rendering us of little use. Sometimes we say things that are not intended to be hurtful, but are taken out of context by someone experiencing pain that we are unaware of. Again many of us have likely been on both ends of that as I have.}

_{Communication in our generation has only become more complex with the use of texting. Statistics show that communication is mostly nonverbal (body language). Since my wife is unfortunate to have impaired vision, an extra onus is put on verbal communication in our house. This for me as a man is hard since typically men are not masters at verbal communication. Since my wife cannot see many of my expressions I need to communicate my feelings verbally. That makes sense to speak right, but remember most communication is via body language. So similarly when we are texting completely blind to the other party, we are only using words, there is no reading body language and re wording something. Its a tricky thing to communicate well by text and not to be hurtful or be hurt.}

_{God’s word gives the following direction on communication.}

_{Matthew 15:11 (NIV)}

_{What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”}

_{Ecclesiastes 5:2 (NIV)}

_{Do not be quick with your mouth (NLT says Don't make rash promises), do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.}

_{Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)}

_{A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.}

_{Colossians 4:6 (NIV)}

_{Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.}

_{Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)}

_{Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.}

_{Luke 6:36-37 (NIV)}

_{Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.  Judging Others  “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.}

 Following is a link to a good sermon;

^{How To Communicate Well with Others}

 

Part 8 - My little lady's health journey continued...

On Sunday May 22, 2005 my wife's brother who had stayed the night awoke me in the early morning hours to sign a consent for yet another cat scan. I am so thankful for the people who stayed nights with me. Nurse 1 is on duty again. She feels that things have somewhat stabilized by giving my wife more fluids; however things do take another dreadful turn for the worse. My wife is taken for her 3rd infection removal surgery in the afternoon. Nurse 1 came to the little lonely waiting room at one point to say the infection had spread, the concern was that a rash on my wife's belly was the infection. How could things have gone so wrong, what was happening? What do you do when all hope is lost, you pray and pray we did, we cried out to God again giving him our lives and asking him to fulfil his purpose even if it meant taking my beautiful wife home. That is no easy prayer to pray!

Luke 22:42

New International Version (NIV)

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

1 Thessalonians 5:17

New International Version (NIV)

pray continually,

The surgeon opened from the knee to the hip on the outside of the leg, they had already cut from the knee to groin on the inside. Another abductor muscle was removed. The surgeon was pleased with the outcome. The vac dressing was replaced with a normal dressing. The rash for the most part was gone. Wow, what an answer to prayers, a miracle! One of my dear brother's would later say that this was a very very hard day for him. None of us had experienced anything like this. He was very inspired to pray and we did a lot of casting all our anxieties to our all powerful God.

On Monday May 23 things were stable. I went home to see the kids in the morning. Various people were still staying the nights with me at that point.

On Tuesday May 24, 2005 the doctors took my wife into OR, they are happy with the sites and perform my wife's 5^th surgery. They close up across the groin, from below the knee to groin on inside of leg and down the outside of the leg. They reintroduced the vac dressing.

On Wednesday May 25 I spent the morning with the kids. My wife's white cell count is as low as 9000, which is a great sign. It has been over 20,000. Early evening though nurse 1 noticed inflammation on the leg. We spent time pouring our hearts out to God again. A cat scan late evening revealed nothing new. I felt an incredible peace, but urge to pray for healing. Surgery was booked for early morning May 26. On Thursday May 26, 2 weeks into our journey an early morning surgery resulted in a 3^rd  abductor muscle being removed from the left upper leg. At one point during surgery Nurse 1 said that the surgeon had found the source. Cultures were taken of the main muscle and sent for testing. The surgeon reported that he does not know if he found the source but that the surgery was successful. The groin and outer leg incisions were opened and the standard dressing was introduced instead of the vac dressing. We later found out that the main muscle was not infected. Thank-you Lord. I had been dreading the day when they would say they have to remove my wife's leg. An afternoon hip probe proved negative, a huge relief. The pain medication was altered and the results are being monitored.

Still my special girl was in a drug induced coma and had no idea what had happened to her. What a hopeless feeling to see your loved one in such a condition. Cards and what not had been pouring in, the encouragement was great, but the journey was excruciatingly painful and lonely. Most of my time was spent in the depressing basement of the hospital. Nothing makes up for or gets rid of the immense pain and agony you feel standing next to a silent body, one that had been healthy and vibrant, one that is your best friend, your partner, your closest teammate. The only thing I had experienced that was similar was being with my dad during his last days and watching him pass into eternity. Still we had faith, I had observed many less fortunate as I watched many a dead person being taken from ICU. What a painful thing to watch as people mourned the loss of young, middle aged and old. I had gotten to know some of the family's and would try and support them as best I could. It was an opportunity to share my faith.

 

Lord, I Need You - Chris Tomlin

Our God (Is Greater) Chris Tomlin Passion Band

More to follow.........