We cope with situations, sometimes by retracting, with humour, by showing our feelings, by hiding our feelings, by ignoring, by controlling, etc.
We do this every day, at home, work, school, wherever we are. We cope with people and situations.
I have coped and used all kinds of different coping tools in my toolbox. Recently I chatted with my Phsyciatrist about my usage of coping tools over the years. It has become apparent to me that I have coped at times and that survival habits established during those periods have become the normal.
Our family has experienced some tense situations, mainly with health, both physical and emotional. In particular during these I have coped. I coped by prioritising the things that were important at the time, my wife's care, our kids and so on. Not bad things to do! The natural response was to do what needed to be done at the time, one of reaction, on impulse. Everyday life things like discussing how to raise our kids, nurturing relationships in our house all became secondary for different reasons, time being one of them. We were in survival mode.
The challenge for me has been, after lengthy periods of coping, what becomes normal, the person I am while coping or the person I was or want to be. Whats normal, what's the new me, how do I do life?
When I received news that I had cancer, I coped by putting my head down and bulldozing along. The same thing I had always done dating back to my dad's passing from cancer in 1992. It wasn't neccessarly all wrong! The challenge was I had nothing left, I was running on less than fumes. I had coped then and in the past, but I had not refuelled. I had not replenished the supplies so to speak. I had not healed emotionally from past experiences and hurts. I could no longer ignore the me inside. I had coped and just kept on coping. I didn't know how to be relaxed and normal. I was often in coping mode, it had become normal.
My emotions were raw and easily aggravated. I would respond in ways that surprised even me. I remember one particular meeting at work several years ago where I was frustrated with something being discussed and I announced "this is bullshit". I was frustrated, but had over reacted. My boss asked others what was going on. From time to time I would react to situations at work, as a Church elder, at home, with far more emotion than the situation required. What was happening, why did I feel like I did inside? I felt like a loose cannon inside, but few knew.
I had coped, but not healed. My frustrations would erupt out of me, even surprising me at times. I would swear blue streaks and have outbursts leaving people wondering where the calm and controlled me was. These were seldom, mostly I could conceal my inward feelings, but I knew the boiling pot within, I knew how hard I had to work to keep myself together.
I had coped but not expressed deep feelings and pain that had been put aside for the purpose of coping. I had coped at home, work and church. I had coped to salvage things such as work opportunities and normalcy.
It's not wrong to cope, but perhaps it is to ignore the inner person that needs to be provided for too.
Psalm 147:3
New International Version (NIV)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Hillsong United - Hosanna
Hillsong United - Search My Heart
Just trying to be real, perhaps it will help someone else be more proactive than I have been.
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