Rising from ones individual ashes

We are shaped by our experiences. People who have experienced abuse suffer emotionally. People who experience death suffer emotionally. We all suffer to some degree from our experiences. We hurt. Its quite normal. The below link by artist Steven Curtis Chapman is a great song he wrote following the passing of his young daughter.

I don't believe in using things as an excuse, but I also believe in being real. The reality is that tough stuff affects us all and we have to turn that affect over to God. I have been affected by life's experiences. Whether it would have affected someone else the same as me is irrelevant, it is my experience and it has affected me and I must choose by Gods grace to prevail against it.

Obsessive patterns can consist of behaviours like checking and rechecking actions (such as turning out the lights and locking the door). They can be germ related as well, which I thankfully I do not have (see below link about Howie Mandel). For me, when I am less confident, I am more  obsessive-compulsive with rechecking things and controlling things.

Since life has for me felt very out of control at times my tendency is to control what I can. That has primarily been my work. I have had tendency's of tackling projects and figuratively speaking wrestling them to the ground. A boss commented that I am very tenacious, that if I was a dog and had caught a bird I would shake it until it was dead. I believe this behaviour is somewhat my nature but exaggerated by my experiences, many of which I have had no control over. I was an anxious bystander to some degree. I  now over control  and obsess things at times. I remember in 2005 when we got home from the hospital, I was very anxious and very suspicious. I had been worn down to a person who did not trust people. Why you might ask was I so suspicious and did not trust people. I think that was simply a result of how low I had gotten, not anyone doing anything particularly wrong. My world had been shaken to the core, nothing was normal. Although through the years I have felt like I am feeling more myself, each subsequent challenge in our home has felt like a setback, yet another thing that has to be overcome, yet another burden. They shake my confidence, they cause me to ask what am I doing wrong Lord, they result in me withdrawing at times, they make me feel like a shell of the person I want to be.

These are behaviours I am working with a phsychotherapist on. Like Howie Mandal I can hide them, but I know the anxious and obsessive behaviours that are there eating away at me.

I know the person I want to be and I believe God will prevail.

Howie Mandel Talks About Living With OCD

Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise

Tenth ave north strong enough

Beloved-Tenth Avenue North

Steven Curtis Chapman - FAITHFUL