In the latter part of 2006 and into 2007 our family continued to try and find its stride. It's a real challenge to deal with health and life at the same time. My girl was continuing her physio 2 days per week and return to overall wellness. I went back to work, tried to prove my worth and by November 2006 was the only project Manager remaining of the 3 of us. I was proud that despite everything they had chosen to keep me out of the 3, one was laid off in the spring and the other in the fall. I was let down though later that year when my direct boss and the acting president felt I deserved to earn what I had before my time off for my wife's illness, only to find out that the owner would not approve it.
By mid 2007 I had hit a wall, looking back, it had all finally caught up to me. I felt anxious, my skin was crawling and that is when I started on anti-depressants, started seeing a counsellor and took up running. They all helped, but looking back, they were only a band aid, none of it got to the root of my issues.
I needed help to regain my confidence, to not be so ever sensitive and reactive. I had been wounded by what my poor lady had endured.
One challenge has been feeling free to express myself while at the same time not making her feel guilty. We needed to look at the experience as something out of our control that we both experienced differently and that we could have victory over. That's a work in progress to this day. Other challenges have sometimes prevented us from addressing our well being, they have become the focus and we have been put back into survival mode.
Life was going well, by 2008 my wife had completed physio, was doing well and had recovered emotionally. It took 3 long lonely years though. I was promoted to the management level at work and had been asked to be a deacon at church. This was good right?
Certainly we were very happy about my wife's health, things seemed to be going alright. We did experience the sudden passing of a nephew which was very hard and then in the summer of 2009 my poor girl would come down with another horrific bacterial infection (strep pneumonia). There were no warnings other than flu like symptoms (again) that escalated. Why, why, why? We went to the hospital and she was quickly admitted by a very similar cast of characters to the first time. She was in hospital for 2 1/2 weeks and again the doctors didn't offer much hope. They opened her up to try and find an infection, which they never did. They did discover though that her spleen was not fully functional and was probably why she was not able to fight things off. It had been damaged by the 2005 experience. During the stay she contracted shingles, a very very painful thing. She also was greatly bothered by hallucinations she could not shake, they are still very real to her. These were a result of being on heavy medication.
Yet again God saw her through. By this time I was an elder at church. This was a tough job, where you suddenly are exposed to everyone's garbage and also have to be a critic to some degree of the staff. I am a sensitive guy and found it to be very difficult, at the same time I was dealing with my wife's health stress's and what I thought was an ageing and aching body. My own.
In the fall of 2010 we experienced a close call accident that caused $14K damage to our van and my poor girl was hospitalised 2 more times, firstly for another bacterial infection, this after taking all the precautions, vaccinations etc. Secondly she came down with a twisted bowel at Christmas, very very painful. Where was God, why, why, why, us?
In 2011, I resigned from my elder duty, changed jobs to a less demanding role all in the hopes of finding balance. Life had become draining with illness's, kids, work, church all taking there portion out of me. We had a great summer of camping only to find out in the fall that I had cancer. The aches that I had been feeling or at least a portion of them were due to enlarged lymph nodes putting pressure on my structure.
By this time life's events had left me drained and exhausted. I limped along until I crashed and had to face the fact that I needed help. I needed to recover emotionally. No longer could I put my head down and plow through things.
This is where I am today, in the emotional healing process. Everyone is affected differently by life. The events I have shared have left me with a strong faith, great relationships with my wife and kids, but with little confidence in myself, hyper sensitivity, anxiety and some depression.
I am confident that regardless of how long I live that God will prevail and that he will meet my needs.
In the near future my lovely wife will share her experience.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I
take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold
Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You
Healer | Kari Jobe
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